Halloween Issue
Halloween Issue
Some sites just make you go "wow". The Fright Zone, dedicated to Halloween, is one. The site demands up front that you have or get the Shockwave, VDOLive, Cyberpassage, and Live 3D plug-ins, but you can get by without them. True, you lose the animated man-eating computer and you won't be able to view the VRML haunted house or the VRML monsters you've designed, but there's still enough left to make a worthwhile browse. The herbal lore, for example, describes the supposed effects of everything from lettuce (an aphrodisiac) to lovage (psychic cleansing, but oddly not an aphrodisiac) and the mini-pontifications on Halloween past and present make decent reading. The designers have crafted the site and its art with loving care, and it shows. "http://www.frighten.com/"
THERE LIVED THREE UNHEALTHY LITTLE PIGS.
You think you know pigs? We suggest you test your knowledge by submitting to the Swine Gross Pathology Quiz. Kindly posted by Iowa State University's College of Veterinary Medicine's Veterinary Pathology Class, the quiz features questions on interpretive diagnostic pathology. A charming supply of graphics will aid you in your swine diagnostics. Don't visit during lunch. Ick. "http://www.vetmed.iastate.edu/pigquizes/spq1.html"
We're guessing you already know which pig we're talking about. He's the pig that launched a thousand cartoons. Porky was bringing home Warner Brothers' bacon long before Bugs and was key to Daffy's rise to infamy. These two sites, one undoubtedly legitimate and legal, the other more doubtedly so, will have you blissfully listening to sound bites of the stuttering swine himself all night long. Legit: "http://www.link-net.com/sounds/Cartoons/Warner_Brothers_Cartoons/Porky_Pig/" Maybe not legit: "http://www.nonstick.com/sounds/Porky_Pig.html"
There's a picture of a porcelain porker gussied up as a vampire at this page. There's very little else besides a contest to name the little sucker. But hey, it fits our story. As for the name, we like Ham Stoker. "http://www.clever.net/moonlight/mp/pig.html"
AND THE WISEST WAS A BIBLICAL SCHOLAR.
"In-ay e-thay eginning-bay...." Yup, somewhere out there, there's someone insane/bored enough to translate the entire Bible into Pig Latin. Or so he claims - only Genesis, Job, and John are currently available for your reading pleasure. We loved the dry humor of this page so much, we backtracked and bookmarked Earl's home page. "http://www.well.com/user/earl/Ible-bay.html"
ALL SUMMER LONG, THEY PLAYED GAMES
Virtual Arcade is very slick. Open the door, walk down the hall, and choose among six rooms to enter with different games to play in each. The map keeps you oriented and the scrolling info console beneath the VR window is a brilliant use of frames. The site says to use Microsoft's Internet Explorer only but don't believe that annoying territorial hype: two other browsers worked just fine. All the games require either Java or Shockwave plug-ins though, so plan on going out for a drink while they download. They're all fun to play, though. A taste will leave you craving more game time as well as more bandwidth. "http://www.thearcade.com/"
BUT AUTUMN CAME AND THE WEATHER WORSENED.
When pigs fly, you say? That's not so far fetched if you live in Tornado Alley. Follow the stormchasers who follow flying pigs (hmmm, wasn't it a cow in the movie?) through wall, funnel, and cumulonimbus clouds. You can find all the up-to-the-minute weather info you can handle, and learn all about the crazed folk who chase storms so that you don't have to. Take some time to look at the photos. "http://taiga.geog.niu.edu/chaser.html"
EACH PIG DECIDED TO BUILD A HAUNTED HOUSE.
Richard Garriott, co-founder of Origin Systems, a name experienced computer jockeys may remember from the pre-Doom gaming universe, also has a rather interesting alter-ego: Lord British, master of the mystic arts, or words to that effect. Every two years, Lord British and his cohorts stage a massive haunted-house style spectacle at Garriott's whopper of a mansion. The Britannia Manor site has been set up to provide a tour of the haunted house production and the underlying story, a classic tale of good against overwhelming evil. "http://www.io.com/~jgould/bmanor/bmanor94.html"
THE LAZIEST LITTLE PIG SAID HE'D BUILD ONE OF STRAW.
See Dick. See Dick build. See Dick build with straw. See Dick build a house inexpensively with straw. See the thermal performance of straw. See a modular house of straw. See Dick save the environment with straw and other waste agricultural fibers. OK, we're kidding about Dick, but not about the straw. Step by step, without a lot of hot air, this site strives to make you think that straw might be "the next great building material." If you've ever had to insulate walls or replace a roof, this site may alter your ideas about domestic construction. Rest assured, this is definitely not the last straw. "http://www.ebuild.com/Archives/Features/Straw/Straw.html"
THE OTHER PIGS LAUGHED AT HIM.
What you say about a pig that saved your life? That saved your entire family in fact? That's a special pig, a pig that gets its own page. A pig that's the subject of our editor's all-time favorite joke. The other jokes to be found upstream from this page are fairly good renditions of old favorites. You may find a few they haven't heard at the barbeque - er, water cooler, yet. "http://www.bf.rmit.edu.au/~kuah/laughs/great-pig.html"
THE VAMPIRE PIG BUILT ONE INSIDE A HOMEMADE CASKET.
With a hammer, nails, wood, sweat, and a plan purchased from this site for the low, low price of $20, you can build your very own eternal resting place. Just imagine being buried in the product of your own labor. And best of all, until that fateful day, your homemade casket doubles as fine furniture. Now if you can only find someone to bury you in the backyard, you have it made. "http://www.volcano.net/~johnstone/caskhome.html"
BUT THE THIRD, WISEST PIG CONSTRUCTED THE CAVERNS OF BLOOD.
Eerie music, spidery lightning bolts flashing around blood-dripping text, bats flapping across the screen - this is what a Halloween site should be! Caverns of Blood dares you to enter the game and find your way among ten caves to the fabled cavern of jewels. Creative use of animated gifs and sound tracks as well as clear and useful instructions for both navigating and playing make this site a real treat and no trick at all. Be sure to check out the page on how the site was constructed. It includes a multitude of downloadable GIFs and MIDI files with info on all the authors. "http://www.ioc.net/~kevcom/Main/Caverns.html"
ONE FALL NIGHT, ALONG CAME A HUNGRY WEREWOLF.
In the Web-wide world of werewolf whereabouts, there are pages with decent art, decent prose, and decent data. But no one site really puts it all together, so here are three. The first has a litter of pics from all kinds of sources. The second teaches how to tell werewolf from normal person. The third has more info than you can count on your claws. First: "http://www2.netdoor.com/~werewolf/pics.html" Second: "http://www.nwlink.com/~taylordj/news.html" Third: "http://www.lycanthrope.org/~humbird/handbook.html"
HUNGRY FOR PORK, THE WOLF DEMANDED THE LAZY PIG'S SURRENDER.
As true gourmands know, Chinese food goes way beyond eggrolls and fried rice. This page, part of the Shanghai on Internet site, provides a little historical essay on the development of regional Chinese cuisine and, best of all, comes replete with a long list of recipes. For our purposes, check out the the sad little critter called Roast Suckling Pig. Other dishes include Fried Pickled Pigeon, Braised Turtle Skirt and Duck Tongues, and Braised Black Carp's Hind Parts. Sadly, the link to Braised Guinea Pigs with Wine isn't functional. "http://www.sh.com/dish/delicacy.htm"
NOT WISHING TO BE HOMELESS, THE PIG RESISTED.
Contemplate this humbling statement: "To the pig, we are all pigs." The "PIGS, A Sanctuary" site describes how that institute cares for abandoned, abused miniature and Vietnamese potbellied pigs. Don't get the idea that you can adopt a house pet from this site. The sanctuary feels that, in general, house piglets are unhappy piglets and that keeping such animals as pets creates only misery for piglet and owner. The sanctuary offers an alternative, providing piggy with "access to an area where he can root, graze, and simply enjoy being a pig." Don't you wish you could look forward to that for your retirement? "http://www.envirolink.org/arrs/psyeta/hia/vol8/brewer.html"
THE WEREWOLF HUFFED AND PUFFED AND BLEW THE STRAW HOUSE DOWN.
and spawn nightmares. The St. Petersburg Times (that's the one in Florida, not the city formerly known as Leningrad, Petrograd, and, well, St. Petersburg) has assembled a site closer to an encyclopedia entry than a survival manual, though survival tips do appear. Hurricane history, forecasting, a feature on hurricane hunters, a printable tracking map, a lesson or two in geography, and trivia are here for your edification before the next big one threatens. Train your curious eye on this informative site. "http://www.sptimes.com/weather/Storm.default.html"
THE PIG DISGUISED HIMSELF AND ESCAPED TO HIS LITTERMATE'S CASKET.
Milieux's Costume Site Web pages hosts one of the most complete sets of resources available on the Net for Halloween or all-purpose costume information. The site has links to manufacturers, museums, and historical information on various types of holiday costumes. Medieval armor and costumes are perhaps the most prevalent, fortunately for the Society for Creative Anachronism and others interested in barbaric periods of human history. From swords and armor to Superman's cape to Battlestar Galactica Cylon costumes, this site probably has a link. "http://ddi.digital.net/~milieux/costume.html"
THE WOLF FOLLOWED, YELLING, "I'M GONNA MAKE YA GIVE UP THE GHOST, PIG!"
Ghost Hunter's Gallery claims to contain the largest collection of ghost photos on the Net, complete with the stories surrounding the picture taking. The site's even good for a few laughs. Check out the text that associates the "An Imaginary Friend" images. Oh, wait - they're serious. Take a look inside the hunter's black tool bag to learn what equipment is used in detecting poltergeists. If you're seriously inspired, you can even join the International Ghost Hunters Society. "http://www.aone.com/~starwest/index.html"
HE SET FIRE TO THE CASKET AND TRIED TO CREMATE THEM.
Considering cremation? Look no further. The Internet Cremation Society screens services and lists one best value deal for each state, if available. Texans are outta luck (must be all that available space), but they can make alternative arrangements. We hear Alabama has some great deals. A straight job is $765-$965; a scattering at sea runs $195 plus $2 a mile for travel. Win free membership or book ahead and save. Burn, baby, burn. "http://www.cremation.org/"
BUT THE PIGS ESCAPED IN A HEARSE TO THE WISE PIG'S ABODE.
Grim Rides, a Bay area hearse collectors' club, meets every full moon, and strives for grander plans on Halloween and Memorial Day. Everything you expect at this site is here: a FAQ; pictures; e-mail addresses; news; etc. The well designed page is easily navigated. Check out the hearse with the flaming nose. "http://www.best.com/~border/grimrides/grimrides.html"
MEANWHILE, THE WISE PIG HAD BEEN READING ANCIENT DOCUMENTS
This is it, la creme de la creme. This link takes you to the best Halloween document we found on the Web. It's ours - last year's NSD Halloween issue. We didn't find too much this year that's better than what we wrote about last year and not wanting to repeat ourselves, we decided just to include this URL. Have fun, but take a flashlight. "http://www.netsurf.com/nsd/v01/nsd.95.10.23.html"
The Book of Shadows is a collection put together by a self-described computer science student/witch in Australia. He includes a series of articles outlining his beliefs and the deities he worships. In a really neat move, the author provides a number of spells, including one from Russia that is supposed to turn the chanter into the animal of choice. Also available is handy information like how to acid etch your athame (a double-edged ritual knife illegal in Massachusetts). If you're curious, hop on your broom and zip on over. "http://www.it.com.au/~darke/bos/index.html"
HE INVITED HIS LITTERMATES IN AND THEY ASKED AN ORACLE FOR HELP.
The alignment of stars and planets and the alliances of various evil and malevolent forces on Halloween night often fills those uncertain, less cynical souls with trepidation and general, unfocused malaise. For these frightened few, this site offers helpful, insightful, albeit porcine advice. The Joke Pig Oracle is just the thing to help cowering, hapless netsurfers hiding at home until the night has passed. Just make sure to consult the Oracle before it becomes a pleasant, thoroughly cooked companion to someone's morning eggs. "http://www.primenet.com/~tkliewe/"
HOPING TO DRIVE THE WOLF AWAY, THEY TORTURED HIM WITH VOODOO
This site is morally reprehensible, encourages the worst sort of sadism and overarchingly is hilariously fun. A wonderful use of Java brings you an actual straw and burlap voodoo doll that you can burn, slash, and, of course, stick needles into. Let the throbbing drumbeats enflame your fantasies. Hear the screams of your accursed object. Then mail the disfigured doll to whomever you please. Your real sender info is included though, so no anonymous voodoo pranks are allowed. "http://www.virtual-design.com/cgi-bin/Voodoo.pl"
BUT THE RELENTLESS WEREWOLF PURSUED HIS HORRIBLE GOALS
Little pig, stay away from here! You'll get your throat slit and your intestines stuffed with your own blood. If anyone else happens to be interested in a graphic description of the process of "pig sticking", however, this is the place to be. It also includes Grammaw Amanda's boudin blood sausage recipe. How can you go wrong? "http://infoweb.magi.com/~egkenney/pig.html"
BUT HIS LUNGS WERE WEAK AND HE WAS OUT OF MATCHES.
The Tobacco BBS focuses, more or less objectively, on smoking, though most of the material leans toward the anti-smoking camp. Check out The New Republic's story, "Freedom's Smoke", which in the guise of a review effectively addresses the question of smoking as a disease. The meat of the site is divided into news, health, resources, documents, culture, and activism sections. Some link titles lend a taste of this potpourri: "Elizabeth Dole on Red Cross Tobacco $$: 'It's Legal'", "Nicotine Patch/Gum Dangers", "Find Mutual Funds That Own Tobacco", "Quitting Smoking Tips", and "Ancient Chinese Snuff Boxes". We could go on, but - huff, puff - we're out of breath. "http://www.tobacco.org/"
HE CLIMBED DOWN THE CHIMNEY, KNOWING HE COULD WALK ON THE FIREPLACE COALS.
Here are two brief, first-person accounts of skeptics - both middle-aged men, to judge by their photos - who sought to disprove New Age entrepreneurs by walking barefoot across hot coals without hocus-pocus preparation. Their secret? According to Brian Wall, host of "Sceptic's Sanctuary", coals are poor conductors of heat - it would be much more difficult to walk across hot metal. In a page of "The Skeptic Journal", Steve "Blackfoot" Roberts also claims to have crossed coals without incident. Just another walk in the park, eh? Wall: "http://user.itl.net/~brian/scepfr.htm" Roberts: "http://www.skeptics.com.au/journal/firewalk.htm"
THAT'S NOT THE WAY THE STORY GOES, THOUGHT THE WISE PIG.
Is nothing sacred? Take the Three Little Pigs (only don't take them home, or the pig sanctuary people will get you). Besides this, our own version, there's the tale of the Politically Correct Three Little Pigs. These critters get threatened by a wolf "with expansionist ideas" who is both physically and ideologically hungry. The mean dude and his wolf pack build a "time-share condo resort complex for vacationing wolves" to replace the piggies' homes. Eventually, Wolf King dies of a heart attack, the piggies form a "brigade of porcinistas" and slaughter the remaining wolves, and the pigs build a democracy of, by, and for pigkind. Maybe someone should create a wolf sanctuary.... "http://www.fn.net/~jmayans/funnytext/3pigs.html"
HE DECIDED TO CONVERT THE WEREWOLF TO VEGETARIANISM.
Apparently, the only hard thing the doggy featured at his site gets to gnaw on is really old tofu. This little Web site, devoted to "Molly, the Vegetarian Dog," explains that Molly is a special doggy because she has always been a vegetarian. The one shocking exception occurred when an adult fed Molly a meatball. The site's author claims that Molly bit the hand of the one who fed her (after wisely gobbling the meatball, of course). For Halloween, would someone please give this doggy a real treat and offer her a nice steak? "http://poe.acc.virginia.edu/~jll9w/molly/"
"WOLF, TRY THIS PUMPKIN WITH A VARIETY OF FILLINGS," HE SAID.
Zug's Pumpkin Drop is brought to you by the guys who last year ran the PumpkinCam, a vegetable with multiple electronic prostheses. This year's prank is to test the gross-ability of variously filled pumpkins surreptitiously dropped from an eight-storey parking structure. They filmed each test and turned them into easily downloadable QuickTime movies. Try the extra-heavy mayonnaise movie or the nacho cheese drop. Be afraid of the pickled sausages. Marvel at rice and tomatoes. And don't miss the chance to reminisce about Clive, the original vomiting jack-o-lantern. "http://www.mediashower.com/zug/pranks/pumpdrop/"
THE LYCANTHROPE LIKED IT, AND SOON MASTERED THE PUMPKIN CARVING CRAFT.
As seen on Roseanne, the Pumpkin Masters have got the goods. Looking to "empower our customers... and help them create fulfilling holiday memories and traditions", they provide step-by-step visual guides and patterns. Regular or deluxe (more candles, scoops, and stuff) kits can be ordered and the enthusiasm for the process is infectious. Join the pumpkin carvers club, or register and get a free pattern. "http://www.pumpkinmasters.com/"
NO LONGER DREAMING OF TORTURING THE PIGGIES,
Have an unnatural affection for your teddy bear? Feel guilty when you find your favorite fluffy toy wedged under your bed, cold and dusty? If so, this page will not cheer you. See B1 jammed in a filing cabinet, or stuck in the door of Club 72, dripping in blood. See Wilbur mangled hideously on a ceiling fan, or watch the slow horror of his microwaved torture. Silly, possibly disturbing, but worth a look. "http://ecel-tim.ecel.uwa.edu.au/Torture/torture.html"
THE WEREWOLF INSTEAD READ THEM SOME STEPHEN KING,
The Stephen King Library site, run by the Book-of-the-Month Club, offers netsurfers a chance to be thrilled and revolted by the severely twisted mind that brought us "It", "Carrie", and others in that kinder, gentler, family-values breed of movies and books. This is above all a commercial site, with ads, special prices, and ordering information for the vast body of work King has produced over the years, as well as assorted merchandise and paraphenalia appropriate for up-and-coming psychopaths. Stringing garlic around your monitor may prevent evil from seeping out of this site onto your lap, but we can't guarantee it. "http://www.stephenkinglibrary.com/"
AND TOOK THEM TO A MONSTER MUSEUM.
If you like Frankenstein's monster (and his bride), the Mummy, and Dracula, you'll love Universal Studios Monster Mayhem. Universal Studios has done good with monstrous sweepstakes (with a chance to become a monster on "Hercules: The Legendary Journeys"), Monster Home Movies (scenes from great horror flicks), a cinematic monster hall of fame, Tricks and Treats (which will appeal to kids with the patience to wait for long downloads), and other ghoulish treats. Most of these pages have flashy color graphics, so a fast connection will make the chills run a little faster up your spine. "http://www.mca.com/monsters/"
LATER, THEY ALL DRESSED UP IN FETISH GEAR
The House of Whacks, the fabulous Cindy Demarco's Chicagoland brainchild, is rich in good quality and imaginative rubber, leather, and vinyl (real vinyl, not the synthetic stuff) clothing and gear. Visit the Rubber Room, or just drool over the spunky pictures. Check out the "Mouth Mask with Breathe Thru Blow Up Gag". Could be you prefer liquid latex? Or maybe you just need a starter kit. Prices are high but so are the Smegg platform boots. "http://www.whacks.com/"
AND WENT TO THE PRINCE'S ROYAL BALL.
What a wrong turn our heroes have taken. They're dressed in leather and - is that a ring in the wise pig's nose? He's ready for San Francisco's Exotic Erotic Ball, and tickets are still available for this always sold-out twisted tradition. Weirder than Hunter Thompson's hot tub, the host entity, the San Francisco Dungeon, offers erotic accoutrements and all the adult entertainment your piggy pacemaker can handle, for a fee. "http://www.sfdungeon.com/exotic/"
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