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NETSURFER DIGEST HALLOWEEN ISSUE!
While returning from my apocalyptic 1999 Halloween voyage,
This is our sixth Halloween issue, and those who haven't seen one before need to be warned. We take out all our frustrations in our Halloween issue. Well, that's not entirely true - but we do include sites that wouldn't make it into a more normal issue. We more or less disregard the mundane strawberry-jam-as-blood jelly-roll approach to the holiday, and go for literate, adult appreciation, with real freaky links and the horribly monstrous. Like Martha Stewart. Past Halloween issues can be found at these links:1995: http://www.netsurf.com/nsd/v01/nsd.95.10.23.html
1996: http://www.netsurf.com/nsd/v02/nsd.96.10.24.html
1997: http://www.netsurf.com/nsd/v03/nsd.03.35.html
1998: http://www.netsurf.com/nsd/v04/nsd.04.32.html
1999: http://www.netsurf.com/nsd/v05/nsd.05.35.html
Why do vampire stories always involve turbulent water for casting one's body into? A vampire story could be set in the middle of Kansas and there'd be chalky cliffs or the ocean rolling in just past the looming shadow of the corn so the protagonist doesn't have to mar a death scene by having to book a flight to the nearest coast. Ponder this undead conundrum as you visit Something Strange, a site dedicated to one man's bloodsucker rock opera. While the visitor follows the plot in plain HTML, MP3s, .wav files, and AVI video clips of the music and the scenes as they unfold augment the experience.
http://www.somethingstrange.net/
as if some higher power were telling me
Once upon a time, those who told people that gods spoke to them were made oracles or prophets and wielded great power. Then came a time when they were stoned or burned or crucified by those who had power and didn't feel like sharing. Now, people just ignore and marginalize them, seeing them not so much as touched as touched in the head. Brent Herbert hopes to change that. Brent claims to have seen UFOs and heard God, and he has enrobed his claims in precise, diligent Bible criticism. You may not agree with Brent. You may not believe him. Maybe you will. Regardless, if you have any interest at all in religious debate, you just might find yourself up till all hours of the night wading through the reams of information he presents.http://www.awitness.org/
that not all was well with my pet vulture, Vivian, back home.
Compassion is a trait known by many, but practiced by increasingly few. With the appropriate frame of mind, you can visit a site devoted to educating people about the vulture and learn a great deal about these mysterious birds. Those species of vultures that are not already extinct are, almost without exception, either already rare or face the threat of disappearance. Numbering more than 20, the species described on this site are the sort of bird that only a mother vulture could love. In a different setting, you may actually see how beautiful they are, and also learn why their seemingly nasty habits are actually essential to prevent disease.http://www.loadstar.prometeus.net/vulture/
The Halloween Guide 2000 Web site is the work of a suburban Philadelphia newspaper. Despite those humble beginnings, this site offers a wealth of extremely valuable advice and knowledge for the big night. There's a whole section on zombies, especially the Pennsylvania type, which feeds on flesh. Aliens and ghosts get equal and equally serious coverage. In a more local vein, learn about Herschell Gordon Lewis, the beloved inventor of the slasher film genre. Take a virtual tour of the Mutter Museum, Philadelphia's museum of medical oddities and instruments. What we've mentioned only scrapes the surface of this site. Indeed, you can get so lost in this site's web of information that you forget what Halloween is all about and just stay home all night.
http://www.phillyburbs.com/halloween2000/
On the bus home, I read a Halloween kids' tale,
Business writer Bob "Mr. Media" Andelman wrote his story, "The Big Black Spider with the Orange Orange Eyes", for his three-year-old daughter, Rachel. The hand-drawn story of a spider hanging over a supermarket candy counter would probably be a giggly fright for any three-year-old, and the main character gets a kick out of making his friends pass out by taking on the spider's persona. Actually, the stick figure in jeans on page one who looks like he's giving us the finger is pretty scary, and the psychological ramifications of a kid running around in a giant spider outfit stalking his friends is starting to creep us out. Next year give the kid something wholesome, like Dracula.Spider: http://www.andelman.com/BIGBLACKSPIDER/bbs.html
Dracula: http://www.cs.cmu.edu/Web/People/rgs/drac-table.html
Instead of asking if your browser is the latest version, the Moonlit Road asks the user to adjust monitor brightness so the graphics will deliver just the right amount of spooky. The site then gathers users 'round to scare them with short fiction from southern US storytellers. Perhaps the most enlightening part is that each tale includes the source of the story, whether based on local folklore or urban legend. For an even more visceral experience, listen to the streaming audio versions of the monthly feature stories, available for those with the RealAudio G2 player. Don't try to become a member. They were swamped last Halloween and haven't opened the archives up again to mortal beings.
http://www.themoonlitroad.com/
and a life history of the humble pumpkin.
Is there anything About.com doesn't have a guide for? Pumpkin Science de-mystifies the life cycle of Cucurbita pepo, from pictures of pumpkin seeds right on to pictures of... pumpkin seeds. Hmm, it really is a cycle. Guide Gayle Olsen shows us everything from melons on the vine to a truck harvest via pumpkin-cam, but for some reason has left out the ritual slaughter of the Jack O' Lantern, and never really tells us where the sincere pumpkins can be found. There is a link to a Virtual Pumpkin carving site, so all is not lost. Turn off the lights, burn a candle, and watch the video from the pumpkin patch. It might be better than Blair Witch 2. Then again, what isn't?http://kidscience.about.com/kids/kidscience/library/weekly/aa091900a.htm
Alas, my gruesome premonition had been correct.
All Things Dark and Gruesome presents morbid facts - and that they are facts should scare us all. Perusing the entry for October 19 pretty well set the stage for us. And the archive goes back to August 1996. Some facts are more morbid than others, but the collection should scare the bejeebers out of ya. If that's not enough, check out the truly gruesome picture-fest in the Malady of the Month section, with equally colorful text descriptions. We'd suggest visiting this on an empty stomach - it's easier to clean up after dry heaves than wet. The site ends with links to other dark stuff. Atrocity is a worldwide phenomenon and there's plenty here to go around. Not all links still work and more than one actually take you to porn sites, kind of giving new meaning to the term "trick or treat".http://www.shocking.com/~despair/maindark.htm
Following its banner statement that people bury people because they have to and bury pets because they want to, we cruised through a wide range of caskets, headstones, and other memorials, wildly tempted by the caskets that prevented seepage and could serve as a casket-vault combination. There seem to be a lot of options involving padding and lace, but we loved the VIPC (Very Impressive Pet Casket) the most. We're now feeling a bit guilty about that recent goldfish disposal....
http://www.geocities.com/Petsburgh/Zoo/5835/
It was the ghost (Dubya) versus the zombie. At least that was the plan. But the ghost, as often happens, didn't show. So this Yahoo Internet life article became all Al - and it's good, intelligent questions and equally good answers. First off, Al isn't a zombie. He can be witty, and he's quite intelligent, at least on technology concerns and issues. There's even a believable explanation of why the "I invented the Internet" quote isn't true. Al is a politician but, contrary to common wisdom, he isn't always dull, and he doesn't always go for the safe answer. This is an interview worth your time, no matter who you're going to vote for - heck, no matter what country you live in.
http://www.zdnet.com/yil/stories/features/0,9539,2641278,00.html
Her body had been pierced repeatedly
Yowch! Fancy having a mini barbell in your hand web, specifically between thumb and forefinger? Read through Jen's informative and honest account of her quest for and obtainment of a lot of body piercings, from eyebrow to tongue and beyond. Find out whether you've got the guts, and the antiseptic, to try this method of self-expression. We'll stick with snappy sarcasm, ourselves. Did you know a hand web piercing has a one in 20 chance of coming out, because it's in such an often used area? Piercing is becoming increasingly popular, and we recommend having a look at this site before you contemplate your own decoration and puncturing, if just to getsome idea of the pain and process involved. http://www.gogetpierced.com/
and lay there desiccated, like a mummy.
Perhaps you think the secrets of preserving dead flesh reside only in Egyptian tombs. But no, mummification has been practiced all over the world. The Gaunche people of the Canary Islands used to dry the bodies of their dead and stuff them with plants. Ancient New Guineans, Colombians, and some Peruvians would smoke-dry their dead, preserving them like beef jerky. (We're not sure, but we don't think they used teriyaki flavoring.) From 1599 to 1920, Sicilian monks used a secret chemical process to mummify the 6,000 bodies now on display in the catacombs of a church in Palermo. Neferchichi's Tomb makes for more of an edifying Halloween outing for the anthropologically inclined, rather than a gross-out, or a how-to manual.http://www.neferchichi.com/mummies.html
It's not unusual for two pretty, narcissistic young lovers to ignite, burn to cinders, then quickly blow away - metaphorically, if not literally. But it's taken 140 years for the smoke to clear in the murder case of an Edinburgh high-society lass who toyed with a suicidal, lying, social-climbing Frenchman who in turn took his revenge by blackmailing her with her own love letters. In 1856, a jury found the lass, Madeleine Hamilton Smith, not guilty of murder, but for all the wrong reasons. Writer Jimmy Campbell spent seven years unraveling the truth behind this trial of the century and his story is a real Web page turner. It's easy to see why the BBC produced a radio drama of the Smith case last year.
http://www.fix.law-firm.co.uk/
Yes, this is the real thing, the original "Inquisition for Dummies". If you have a problem with heretics in your organization, the Malleus Maleficarum of 1486 offers detailed directions on finding them, getting them to confess their crimes (the torture sections are vivid in their detail), and properly finishing the job. The name translates as "The Witch Hammer", and it is an accurate title. You too can have your own homogeneous right-thinking organization with only modest effort and a bit of blood. This site is magnificent in a sick way. These folks back in the 1400s were way too serious. Clearly, evil is not a modern invention.
http://www.malleusmaleficarum.org/
I conducted the autopsy myself
Once you yank the skin away, human muscle smells very much like raw lamb. While lifting a baby's brain from the cranium, one can't help noticing it's rather like custard pie filling, as distinct from the much firmer adult brain, which is more like Jell-o. Hungry yet? There's plenty more anatomically correct gore in store in Dr. Ed Uthman's thorough, well written paper describing the routine autopsy. Dr. Uthman is a pathologist who clearly harbors a fatal attraction to the murder mystery genre; in fact, his paper is specifically intended to give writers the cold facts about post mortem procedure, so that they may more convincingly weave grisly tales for our enjoyment on dark stormy nights.http://home.online.no/~laaneb/autopsy.htm
and verified that a vampire had vanquished my vulture Vivian.
Pathway To Darkness is the ultimate online vampire resource. It is making the coming Halloween a true adventure, complete with a holiday contest, in the VampHalloween issue. A feast of costume ideas will help you decide what look to use to frighten your neighbors. Complete the experience at home with decorations that will heighten the mood of impending doom. Treats like thick blood juice will get nerves on the edge, just right for parties full of ghouls and witches. A story or two can accompany a variety of scrumptious Halloween recipes to accent the freaky surprises and events awaiting party-goers at every turn. Out-of-season parties can take advantage of a variety of vampire information including artwork, postcards, games, details about vampire films, and even a list of books and music available in stores today.http://www.pathwaytodarkness.com/
Arghh! We leapt in forks first and scooted around the Cannibal Vault to find that not only is cannibalism a lively source of cinematic tragedy, but it's a great foundation for historical celebration. Colorado's Cannibal Trail marks Alfred Packer's consumption of five of his fellow prospectors in 1874. And the Gore Vault? We left sheepishly after the warning told us anyone with a weak stomach (i.e. a big sissy) should pack up their picnic hampers and hobble on home. We gave ourselves instead a gentle spook with the Halloween masks and logged off, left with the distinct impression that we'd missed out on some vaguely unnatural experience. Perhaps the looming NSD deadlines are scary enough for us....
http://members.aol.com/rwohorror/welcome.html
and in no mood for that Halloween evening's costumed throngs.
Rick Doble, photographer and self-proclaimed "Internet artist" has set up a small slice of Web for his images and thoughts about art (see NSD 6.21). For his contribution to Halloween, Rick borrows some drawings of mythological creatures and sacred items from a book by Richard Huber and colors them for inspiration. Rick also posts pictures of the costumed masses from his hometown Halloween to show how scary North Carolina can be. Far more interesting and possibly spooky (depending on your phobias) are his digitally manipulated photographs of shadows in the gallery.http://www.rickdoble.net/halloween/index.html
I'd be better off with just dinner
Have you ever wondered about the health benefits of that last meal? Ever wanted to test the adage that "as we grow older and closer to death we become more aware of our health and the foods we put into our bodies"? Fade to Black e-zine did. Charles Walker (executed for killing a couple for some beer money) overindulged with pan-fried rabbit, blackberry pie, and 12 biscuits, which really topped up his cholesterol and contributed an impressive 1606 calories. William Bonin (executed in 1996 for killing 14 people) washed down his two pizzas with a bladder-numbing 15 cans of Coke. We agree, this is interesting, but something tells us that if there's any time to eat until you want to die, it's right there on death row.http://www.fadetoblack.com/dealameal/
Any site that features Entertainment Weekly's 25 Scariest Movies of All Time, Mr. Showbiz's 13 Scariest Movies, and Hollywood.com's 20 Scariest Movies prominently on its home page has a lot going for it, along with supreme confidence in the tastes of its audience. Fans of horror flicks will find much to peruse at Carfax Abbey Horror Films and Movies, a database with a refreshingly clean - dare we say, conventional and utilitarian? - look and feel. (Black backgrounds are fine once in a blue moon, but this time of year they proliferate and pall.) Carfax Abbey is the brainchild of a New York City horror fan and her husband. In addition to lists of TV movies, old movies, and new movies, you'll also find bios of actors and directors, video clips, links to pertinent books at Barnes and Noble, and a horror forum.
http://www.carfax-abbey.com/
maybe something by Tim Burton,
Fan sites are mainly created by fans who want to help share the enjoyment they have of the subject's craft. The Tim Burton Collective can be used as a great example of precisely that sort of motivation. A creative design helps to complement a remarkable collection of information about the works of the highly acclaimed director of such dark-tinged tales as "Edward Scissorhands", "The Nightmare Before Christmas", and "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure". Periodical articles await your screen, along with film reviews, an extensive gallery of pictures, and even some clever animated parodies of "Mars Attacks!" and "Beetlejuice". The News section gives you the inside scoop on Tim's current project (Planet of the Apes), and what treats may be awaiting you in the future.http://www.timburtoncollective.com/
but I had to figure out who to invite to go with me.
The Chinese Love Calculator may be a lot of fun, or it just may send the kind of chill down your spine you experienced the first time you saw your mother cry - particularly if you're young, in love, and recently married. The calculator asks you to enter the birth dates of yourself and your wonderful (potential) partner. Then, based on the 12 animal signs in Chinese astrology, it determines your compatibility in percentage terms. If you're born in the year of the tiger, you're likely a bounder and a cad, and that monkey you married is a faithless runabout. Chances of making it: 10%. Unlike most love games, this one also hands out tricks. You may wish to use it to sabotage a particularly cloying couple - or to steal your own self a nice new honey - appropriate only if you were born a rat, or maybe a snake.http://www.chineselovecalculator.com/
Almost all the famous people I knew were dead,
We celebrate popularity in life and death. Celebrity Morgue deals with the latter in an eclectic way, by lumping together some obvious and some unexpected choices in a collection of 29 somber and, in some cases, lurid memorials to criminals, victims, actors, and others. Stalin, Pol Pot, Marilyn Monroe, Hitler, and Lincoln, for example, share the home page with Tupac Shakur, Tiny Tim, Andrew Cunanan, Mao Zhe-Dung, and Sharon Tate. Makes for a nice cocktail party, eh? Each celeb is recognized with a brief page of salient facts and speculation and, more often than not, a gruesome picture of the dead subject. Celebrity Morgue is grim acknowledgment that our fascination with fame goes on and on.http://www.celebritymorgue.com/
so I called up Martha Stewart.
According this site, Martha Stewart celebrates the holiday "with a perfect blend of horror and humor". Find horror at her Halloween pages and we'll eat mummies. So what is there? The Scary Message Lanterns page tells you how to combine paper bags and candles for a magic moment. We're all on fire for it! Bad Things lists forbidden fruit such as apple votives, pumpkin seed candy, and stencilled cakes. Ah, but there's more to her pantry than meets the bloody, disembodied eye. Got a few pumpkins, but fewer ideas? Try Martha's Ultimate Pumpkin Carving Kit for a mere $75. Would it help? Not bloody likely. The tasteful Scary Makeup pages cry out for the evil clownness of, say, Tammy Faye Bakker Messner, but hey, the Ben Nye Fresh Scab only runs $4.75, so relax. Was ever gloom more glib or gore more gracious? Decorating with Paper Silhouettes keeps us up at night, as do M-tricks such as pipe-cleaner spiders, gauzy ghosts, and lollipop wrappers. Watch out, kids! Martha's in da house!http://www.marthastewart.com/channels/holidays/halloween.asp
She, of course, made me do the Halloween thing first,
Fred Meyer may have invented one-stop shopping, but this site takes good advantage of the concept. With links to over 100 sites offering everything Halloween, from cool animated GIF images to egocentric hogwash to plans for making costumes to a chronology of the Salem Witch Trials circa 1692, we don't see how you could miss finding something to suit your fancy (or fancy your suit) here. Many of the sites linked to here are costume makers, horror production enterprises, and similar venues. Still, there are a number in these numbers that you'll find interesting - though none will scare the pants off ya. At the least, you can find a killer recipe for wormy gelatin, and another for Halloween Spiders. Yum!http://www.calcon.net/trick.shtml
With the possible exception of New Orleans Mardi Gras cams, Halloween is really the only holiday we can think of that lends itself to live cameras (a live family Thanksgiving dinner-cam is too frightening to imagine). This site not only registers Halloween webcams, but also advises visitors on how to set one up. It sure will be interesting to tune in on Halloween night to catch the party cameras. At least that's the plan - so far there are only seven cams listed, including one from New England that appears to be a fuzzy view of a chicken coop. But it might be a haunted house - is that a hook on the door?
http://www.halloweenwebcams.com/
Then, Martha insisted we go to a theme park instead of a movie.
Let not those who must face the passing of a loved one feel sorrow, nor may they encounter pain. Yea, for verily there hath been a new discovery, a rewarding and creative way to be remembered. The virtual memory of someone can be presented in ways that accurately reflect the artistic flavor of the departed. No longer must there be tears, remorse, and sorrow; instead, a visitor can partake of the dearly departed's own sense of humor, their own irony, their own writings - and maybe even a waterslide. The Final Curtain takes an untraditional approach to funerals and memorials, and to that end plans to build a memorial theme park, with built-in cemetery, timeshare greenhouse, Heaven's Gate Cafe, kid playground, and more. For now, Final Curtain presents a gallery of examples of the ways people have taken advantage of its approach that can perhaps spark your own ideas on how you'd like to be represented on the ethereal plane of existence, where a friendly traveler or passerby can share in the same positive image as that shared by your family and friends.http://www.finalcurtain.com/
I waved my film guide in her face
Horror-Wood celebrates its third anniversary this month, and we wish it many more. The e-zine is written by and for fans of monster movies and classic horror flicks. You'll find plenty of paeans to idols such as King Kong, Vincent Price, and Ray Harryhausen. What we like best about the site is the fabulously literate film criticism. The writers do not merely lay on the platitudes; they intelligently and elegantly dissect their subjects. That's amazing, considering the zine doesn't pay writers. In addition to reviews of and essays on movies, the site also offers video-buying tips, toy and book reviews, news, archives - you know the drill.http://www.horror-wood.com/
and she tried to cast a spell on me!
The RealMagick Web site doesn't actually open until Samhain (Halloween for you non-believers) and so it wouldn't be fair for us to review it yet, but the idea behind the site is that it will foster discussion about the paranormal, parapsychology, and general occult and pagan info. If you're into wicca and the occult, this might be right up your dark alley.http://www.realmagick.com/
I threatened to take her to court.
Finding and then executing witches has been part of the popular culture in Europe and America for a long time. Some people get very worked up about witches. Some do something about witches, generally involving torture and murder. Governments have gone down that road as have religious organizations. As you page through this comprehensive site, you'll notice that identifying people as witches is hard ("What else floats?"), but evidence isn't usually a problem. The message seems to be if you want to find witches, you will, and you can always "get" evidence. All the accounts here are scary; many are downright chilling. There but for our enlightened society (?) go we.http://www.rci.rutgers.edu/~jup/witches/index.html
In the end, we stayed in and watched ghostly TV
Get ready for yet another webcam in someone's bedroom. This one's a true southern belle, one Mary Smith, a bachelorette with her own mansion. Well, technically Donna Bennett owns the home now, and Ms. Smith just visits occasionally - as a ghost. The Mary Smith House, built in 1799 in Charleston, S.C., is the site of HGTV's Ghost Cam, which takes pictures of the bedroom of the house once every 30 seconds. Visit and do your own ghost spotting or just learn more about the hauntings in Charleston.http://www.hgtv.com/HGTV/ghost/launch.htm
while Martha helped me fashion a funereal urn for my vulture
We get attached to our companion animals, often very, very attached. Dogs and cats have many wonderful attributes and one real serious drawback: a relatively short lifespan. Your pets will almost always die before you do. When your companion animal does pass on, your grief is often as severe and as real as when a human you are close to dies. The Forget-Me-Not Keepsakes site sells boxes for your pet's ashes. If keeping them around makes you feel better, then these boxes are not too tacky. They do the job. The site also has a Pet Loss page, but view that page in Netscape, as it hung both Windows and Mac versions of Internet Explorer.http://www.petrelics.com/
that made Viv look good enough to sell rather than bury.
What has e-commerce come to? Corpses, of course, and not a moment too soon. Latex corpses, to be exact, hand-crafted and durable. Get out your credit card and join the crowd. If the graphics here are true to life, we're inclined to believe the following statements on the info page: "The corpses are extremely realistic.... The Males are dressed in a suit and the Females are clothed in a dress, nylons and high heels." Love the details! Before you gorge on those, however, you're likely to hit the gallery, which includes Nazi zombie (male), coffin queen (femme fatale), and three stills from a recent appearance on ABC's "The View". The How To Build a Corpse FAQ page doesn't really provide answers, but does offer to sell you a manual for $20. For slightly less, you can order corpse portraits "personalized with the names of your loved ones." We'll blow our money elsewhere but appreciate the offer.http://www.distefano.com/
(Still, I shouldn't have let Martha eat the cabbage casserole.)
We found a ScienceNet page packed to exploding with information that answers the age-old question, "What makes farts smell?" Basically, bacterial activity in the large intestine produces nitrogen, carbon dioxide, oxygen, methane, and hydrogen sulphide. The oxygen and methane components flame quite nicely, by the way. It's just a matter of time before OSHA gets around to plastering warning stickers on your pants. The stink comes from the sulphide component. We found the small page seriously deficient in one area, however. Research has indicated that nitrous oxide - laughing gas - is a major component of elephant and rhino flatulence. Bet you've always wondered why keepers of elephants, rhinos, and other mega-herbivores seem so happy! For more serious fart info, catch the Salon interview with Dr. Michael Levitt, the world's leading authority on flatulence, a.k.a. Dr. Fart.ScienceNet: http://www.sciencenet.org.uk/database/Biology/Food/b00189b.html
Salon: http://www.salonmag.com/health/feature/2000/02/24/farts/index.html