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NETSURFER DIGEST HALLOWEEN ISSUE!
http://www.netsurf.com/nsd/v06/nsd.06.37.html
Back even beyond the days of witches and goblins, the sea was alive with large, nasty swimming things that, fortunately, didn't pass natural selection's challenges. The Sea Monsters site is based on Discovery Channel material and is as slick as anyone could want. As visitors submerse themselves in the site, they come upon seven creatures that no longer exist. Each can be seen as it was and in skeletal form. There's a reason our reviewer doesn't eat fish, and these sea monsters are a large part of that reason. Bad dreams are an added bonus.
http://www.discovery.com/news/features/seamonsters/seamonsters.html
All Things Dark and Gruesome isn't so much a site, per se, as it is a collection of links to other sites. It's rather like the Yahoo of morbid fascination, as the list is categorized by a human, not a 'bot. Some links point to sites merely curious; others are downright disgusting. The link to torture in the middle ages provides insight into the unique creativity and effort people apply to making other people suffer and die. Some links, such as the link to Adipocere, manage to be disgusting and educational at the same time.
http://asylumeclectica.com/gruesome/index.html
Here's a cheery e-treat you won't find at Microsoft or Sports Illustrated, with a title that might encapsulate the life of someone you know: The Living Almanac of Disasters. Jump straightway into one of three categories - fires, earthquakes, or transportation - or use the familiar calendar interface to browse through all kinds of calamity. In fact, you don't even have to browse. Each page is displayed for a short time. By the time you finish reading a thumbnail recap of a disaster or three that occurred on that day, redirection takes you to the next day. Sit back and get hit by airline crash after hurricane after landslide after train wreck after blizzard after tidal wave after coal mine fire after munitions factory explosion after volcano after.... But don't panic - there's focus in the chaos. On disaster-free days, you get a link to the Disaster's Almanac Hotlist (sic), a set of links to disaster sites elsewhere. If you aren't cheered up by any of these, buy the site. It appears to be for sale.
http://disasterium.com/
Stephen Baldwin collects zeros and ones. Specifically, his Ghost Sites allows the spirits of Web sites past to inhabit this place via screen captures. He takes a tongue-in-cheek look at the failure of dotcoms from what he calls the Web's Great Gilded Age (1995-2001). His mausoleum contains over 800 sites. Personally, we wish more of the images had been dredged up from folks' cache files. Now, most often, you get a screenshot of the notice that a site is retiring, which is something like taking a photo of a dead person to remember how that person looked in life. It seems a tragedy to preserve it with the memory of its demise still freshly imprinted on the page.
http://www.disobey.com/ghostsites/
I stayed inside, played by myself
They look a bit like candles, but aren't anything like that. These religious figures are sculpted out of silicone, and be warned that your grandmother might not keep a cheery face if she saw one on your mantelpiece. Well, she might, but you probably don't need to know her that well. Jesus, Buddha, even Moses are represented in a remarkable collection of artisanal dildos. The true connoisseur should experiment with the character of the Grim Reaper, complete with a hood and teeth clenched in a sneer. His slogan alone leaves little to doubt: "Le Petit Mort ain't so petit anymore."http://www.divine-interventions.com/
and just generally puttered about.
If any friend is so ballsy as to claim your golf game needs improvement, don't let them get away with it. Explain how you're using a fancy golf putter that's made to let you get to the hole with focus and direction. Some may scoff, but you've got to admit: this is one heck of a conversation piece. Sold by a company curiously named Pure Bull, the golf putter you've never imagined (we hope) is an online order away. Made of "genuine lower-level leather", the Pure Bull Putter is a prime example of a gift that will embarrass and entertain. When you get yours, go ahead and brag how you've become a talented golf player - when they argue that you're full of bull, just grin and quickly walk away.http://www.purebull.com/
I called my buddy Cliff Yablonski
Cliff Yablonski Hates You, and so do you. We've wrestled with the appropriateness of this site for a few months. In a nutshell, the site posts pictures of people and makes fun of them, often with violent overtones. It's purely misanthropic with little redeeming value. These people look odd - no doubt about that - by circumstance, behavior, or genes. Is it fair to make fun of them? No, but that doesn't keep us from laughing. As we page through the site, we can't help acknowledging that if we saw ourselves or, worse, our kids on this site, we'd feel very bad. Yet, we laugh, sometimes a little too loudly to be comfortable. We know we have photos that could appear here, and we bet pretty much everyone does. Maybe that's why we laugh - because it's not us.http://www.somethingawful.com/cliff/ihateyou/
to make some trades in our Fantasy Death Row league
The great state of Texas executes more prisoners yearly than many a good-sized country. They also publish, on the Web, data about their Death Row inmates. That data is the basis of the Fantasy Death Row game, where players get to select three inmates. Scoring is based on their ultimate fate. Note that this site is not opposed to the death penalty. Pick carefully. There's a lot of other material on the site, some political, some social, most in dubious taste. This technically slick and attractive site is perfect for late-night visits when you're falling asleep and want a jolt to wake you up. Well, it would be, if an extremely recent legal threat hadn't shut it down. Until it's brought back from the dead, you can scope out the Texas Death Row data.Fantasy: http://www.fantasydeathrow.com/
Texas: http://www.tdcj.state.tx.us/stat/deathrow.htm
but he was out trick-or-treating.
Every major holiday needs a portal. Halloween.com covers a lot of ground, including creatures, cemeteries, "Scary Tales, Fun, and Games," and corny holiday jokes hard to read (red on black takes you aback) but sure to make you groan. ("Why did the Vampire read the Wall Street Journal? He heard it had great circulation.") Many horror sites overwhelm you with scads of links; Halloween.com is selective. You're likely to find something of interest pretty quickly if you're in the mood to carve a pumpkin. All the external sites seem more or less mainstream, in the traditional spirit of the season, so it looks safe for kids. We make no guarantees, of course. In recognition of the global horrors of Sept. 11, there's an animated flag on the home page. That's the only sign here that reality can be the worst nightmare of all.http://www.halloween.com/
I sat down to watch some cartoons
In the excellently rendered opening graphic, a campfire burns in a fog-enshrouded forest. A click on the campfire draws you closer, inexorably further into the Devil's Tramping Ground. There actually is such a place; a circle in the middle of a North Carolina forest where for hundreds of years nothing has grown. It is said that the Devil himself walks here nightly, plotting evil. No better answer has been presented. Sound effects at this site are spooky but, unlike so many other sites, don't overpower you. In some respects, it's reminiscent of Myst. There's a notebook and a map. You can visit the Graveyard of Woes, or take in a short movie at the Theater. They say that if you make it through the place, you can visit the Banshee and the Maco Lights, and other well done, scary places. We'd click on that campfire, but we're just so darn polite. No, no, after you. Really, we must insist.http://www.geocities.com/trampingground/Tramping.html
Pity poor Lulu. Now that her master is completely naked and the sofa is "truly washable", can she expect even more surprises on this momentous occasion? "O! To be sure." For more on Lulu, plus hand-spanked burgers, sanitary hotdogs, the S&M Variety Shop, "Good Guys Are Never Dry", and nearly 200 other products with clueless marketing, visit the Absurd Gallery, a collection of actual items and objets d'advertising that manage to sell the fizzle instead of the sizzle. Site warning: For your own safety, please keep an ironic distance.
Absurd: http://www.absurdgallery.com/
Lulu: http://www.absurdgallery.com/sofa.htm
and Herb Zipper's "How to Be a Cyber-Lovah!" infomercial.
This is so funny, you'll wet yourself. The main feature of this site is a RealPlayer video of Herb Zipper, a guru of cybersex, teaching you how to be a "playa" in the world of online chat sex. It's a satire of all those late-night TV infomercials - and a few other things, such as Net culture and General Foods International Coffees - and hysterical. When the movie's done, click around the site, available as Flash or HTML, for other funny goodies like a sex chat with Herb and an advice column. How can you ignore a testimonial like "I would say Herb is most responsible, the most instrumental in me not taking my own life"? Gosh, life in the analogue world sure was hard.http://www.herbzipper.com/
Instead, I threw in a scary movie
Internet opinion on the scariest movie ever seems to divide among the "Exorcist", "Silence of the Lambs", and "Psycho" camps. We like the Infoplease editors' picks for the top ten scary movies, because we pitch our tent in the "Silence of the Lambs" camp, which they list first, and because they include the 1922 classic, "Nosferatu". The IMDB lists "Psycho" first and something called "Hobgoblins" dead last. For more expanded horror horizons, check out The Greatest Films's chronological exploration of the genre, where you'll find that the very first horror film was "The Devil's Castle", made in 1896, and the first Frankenstein film in the US was 1910's "Edison Frankenstein". The article references nearly 300 films, with their top picks listed at the end.Infoplease: http://www.infoplease.com/spot/halloweenmovies1.html
IMDB: http://us.imdb.com/Charts/Votes/horror
The Greatest Films : http://www.filmsite.org/horrorfilms.html
but even I could write better schlock, so I turned it off,
Serious fans of the horror genre all aspire to fame by way of writing "The Script", that one screenplay that scares the daylights out of everyone. To earn this sort of acclaim takes a lot of work and ambition. The Horror Screenwriter's Page collects more than 600 different links grouped into a variety of areas like screenwriting, writing in general, research, and contests. Among the many choices are some real gems, marked by the green head of the Frankenstein monster. Even not-so-serious fans of horror tales or even those with just an interest in film making will find value in a lot of the listed sites. Be careful though; if you're just interested in horror stuff and think you'll do a light browse around the sites they offer, you'll see your time absolutely vanish. There's a gold mine in this page, and its horror theme will absolutely consume you.http://www.tcnj.edu/~beres/horror.htm
When you were in school at the age of seven or eight, you probably learned about the ancient Japanese art of origami. If so, you undoubtedly crafted neat little piles of carefully folded paper that your teacher agreed looked just like a pretty flying swan. My, how times have changed. An adult version of the art form doesn't stop at happy birdies or floating boats. Now everything your Sex Ed class in school tried to dance around is presented to you in crisp, clear creases at Origami Underground. If you want to try to recreate any of the work featured, remember that you're working with paper images here. It's nothing close to reality. Be very careful, young grasshopper, or you'll get a pretty nasty paper cut.
http://underground.zork.net/
and then played with my organ.
While we're sensitive to the plight of those afflicted with the illness or disability, the fact remains that some illnesses or disabilities lend themselves to humorous treatment. The folks at Gimpchimp have taken this approach to Tourette's syndrome, or at least to a symptom of the disorder, coprolalia - otherwise known as swearing. The Turret'a'phone (sic), like any good online Shockwave electronic organ, comes with selectable backbeats, a keyboard you play with the cursor, and some preprogrammed buttons you play with your keyboard. The keyboard plays notes - really swear words at more or less the proper pitch - and the buttons let you add atonal voices. The idea is good for a chuckle at first, but the simple elegance of the programming is what will keep you there, knob.http://www.gimpchimp.com/swf/turretaphone1.0a.swf
(No, not that organ, you evil-minded person.)
Proving that you don't know how evil you can be until you try, the NecroBones Evil Test puts a special spin on the ever-popular personality test, gauging how sinful, nasty, bad, bad, bad the test taker is. With questions like "What operating system do you use?" and a request to complete a statement such as "Evil is ...?" (the correct answer being "My responsibility as an able-bodied being") the test is good for a laugh. The biological weapons questions hit a bit too close to home in this sensitive time and we think there's probably a special circle of Hell set aside for people who still make O.J. Simpson references. Of course, the test is copyright 1997. We wonder if there's a special circle of hell for people who don't update their Web sites. A site that still holds our attention after four years without updates must have some sort of unholy pact going.http://www.necrobones.com/eviltest.htm
In 1998 British investigators Vic Tandy and Tony Lawrence of Coventry University published "Ghost in the Machine", a paper exploring the theory that some alleged hauntings are actually the very real effects of sound vibrating at a frequency below the level of human hearing. Under certain conditions, standing-wave infrasound at a frequency around 19 Hz can cause humans to experience visual disturbances, breathlessness, shivering, and feelings of fear. Later investigations by Tandy of a 14th-century cellar reported to host a disturbing "presence" seem to support the infrasound theory. You can find the original paper at Vic Tandy's Web site, and the Guardian has the cellar story.
Tandy: http://home.edu.coventry.ac.uk/cyberclass/vicweb/ghost1.htm
Guardian: http://www.guardian.co.uk/Archive/Article/0,4273,4038891,00.html
so I called the US Navy's ghostbuster
Have you ever seen a photo of an actual ghost? The Ghostly Places site claims to have several such images. You, uh, need to be a believer to actually see the ghosts. This site is the home of the Naval Directorate of Ghostly Affairs, the work of a seaman and other US Navy personnel with good imaginations and a good deal of free time. The emphasis here is on investigation of actual paranormal events, including electronic voice phenomena.http://www.ghostlyplaces.freewebtools.com/
Leslie Flint was an amazing guy. Born in London in 1911, he discovered that he could see and communicate with dead people at around the age of seven. Eventually, he learned that he didn't have to do anything - spirits sought him out. And they'd talk, whether he wanted them to or not. He had to leave many a movie theater because people around him grew so annoyed by the voices. In medium parlance, this is known as direct voice, and Flint was arguably the most thoroughly tested such medium in history. The voices, clearly audible and even taped, did not seem to come from his mouth or vocal chords - but then again, it's not like James Randi was leading the testing team. You can hear a number of excerpts taken from Flint's taped sessions here, and there are links to other material as well. Overdoing and underdoing have never been particularly healthy, anyway - now you have another reason to say, "Make mine medium."
http://www.xs4all.nl/~wichm/deathnoe.html
Okay, by now you've about had it with all of this stuff that's intended to scare the crap out of you. You've had Osama and the associated terror organizations for a couple of months. You've had network news pushing scare stories about bioterrorism while blithely ignoring the fact that dozens of people are killed in car accidents every day - a much higher tally than anything achieved by bioterror to date. Here you are, dragging through Halloween, with yet more people trying to scare you. By now, you're muttering, "Ghosts? Bring 'em on!" You're ready for a visit to the Skeptic's Dictionary, in other words. We'll get you started with a link to the ghosts entry. Explore from there. This is a delightful escape back to reality. Cleanly designed and concisely written, it is heavy on supporting links and bibliographic material as well. Does the Near-Death Experience prove the existence of life after death, or is it merely the logical result of brain states that occur during the course of neurological disintegration? Hard to say either way, but the fact that the experience can be reproduced during a course of treatment with the common, short-acting drug known as Ketamine argues strongly for the neurological explanation. Here's a suggestion: turn off the tube, kill the radio, burn the newspaper, and leave your bowl of candy outside the door. Just jump over here and get lost in the links for a while. You owe yourself a good dose of logic and skepticism.
http://skepdic.com/ghosts.html
With some time to waste, I read the news,
You don't need to have an unhealthy Adrienne Barbeau obsession to enjoy Really Scary's horror news, but it helps. The genre-geeks at this site do seem to have something of an Ad-Bar fixation, but then, it's just this sort of creepy avidness that draws them to the outer limits of the horrorscape to forage for the latest choice morsels of macabre minutiae. The site is loaded with daily news, insider gossip, and interviews with industry figures, plus reviews and reminders of really scary books, movies, art, music, and collectibles. Did you know, for example, that the band "Cult of the Psychic Fetus" is the new, exploding sound of horror rock and psychobilly? Did you even know there was such a thing as psychobilly? We heard it here first.http://www.reallyscary.com/
The scariest place on Earth might be Fargo, N.D., a spot apparently routinely targeted by a vengeful God for its failure to properly control the local witch population. They're trying though. Happily for us, the purge of occult material from a Fargo elementary school allowed Justin of JustinSpace to acquire the now out-of-print "Witch's Catalog", a charming children's book offering magical items "direct from the witch's workshop". Justin has posted the book on his site, so if you are in the market for a dragon with a 1,000-year warranty or a magic dreaming pillow, you know where to look. Be sure to read the reprint of an editorial from the "Fargo Forum" explaining why God made Fargo smell all stinky back in June, 2000.
http://www.justinspace.com/witchcat/witchcat.html
Chiaroscuro is the interplay and representation of light and dark, and the online zine by that name is tasty if a little heavy on the shadow. It's dark, spooky, and hopeful all at the same time. It's filled with poetry and prose, all of which is surprisingly stellar. Don't go here if you don't want to be shocked or horrified, though. Although it sometimes works in the movies, it's very hard to read the screen through the slits between one's fingers.
http://chizine.com/
but none was as funny as Easy Midget.
Not exactly scary, but then, we figured a respite from all the Halloween mayhem couldn't hurt. The October main page opens with a shot of the "Friends" gang - with a mushroom cloud in the background. The headline? "Must-See-TV to Continue throughout Nuclear Holocaust". It takes off from there, providing a much-needed dose of humor. Other features in the issue focus upon mail-order brides and Fantasy Island Football, and the interview of the tip of John Wayne Bobbit's penis by Sam Donaldson's hair includes an arresting graphic, in addition to its somewhat different perspective.http://www.easymidget.com/
In Gothic Living, the gothic Martha
If the look you're going for with your personal style is less Saint Christopher (Lowell, of course, patron saint of Cost Plus) and more Saint-Saens, Gothic Martha Stewart is right up your dark alley. Touted as "DIY home decor for the morbidly inclined", the site has a bit of tongue-in-cheek fun with Martha's pastel ways but clearly reveres her teachings. The author applies her concepts to gothic home decor, providing advice for such troubling issues as how to keep your darks darker.http://www.toreadors.com/martha/index.html
showed me how pumpkin flinging was a good thing
Can a simple mechanical device chuck a pumpkin over a mile? Not last year. But at this year's World Championship Punkin Chunkin contest, someone may finally crack the one-mile barrier. The annual contest (held in Delaware in November) is a serious test of man and machine. The machines range from classic catapults and trebuchets to cannon-like zip-guns powered by rubber hoses and Rube-Goldberg style triggers. Some are decidedly odd in concept and workings, but all have the power to hurl a good-sized pumpkin an astounding distance. Some of the entrants may be there for the beer and party, but most are deadly serious. Now that's scary. For a more educational look at siege engines and related machines, check out the Non-Gunpowder Artillery page.Contest: http://www.punkinchunkin.com/
Artillery: http://www.xenophongroup.com/montjoie/ngp_arty.htm
and how to plan my own funeral
Hey, do-it-yourselfers! Why let friends and relatives bungle your funeral? Get it right with the Busy Person's Guide to Creating Your Own Funeral or Memorial Service. Whatever your age or state of health, you no longer have an excuse to neglect that most precious moment of your future, when well-dressed friends and relatives sign the guest book and gather round a bright and fragrant nursery to commiserate about your loss with remarks such as "Who ordered the cactus?" and "Why pine? Can't they afford mahogany?" This site, hosted by lawyer and former candymaker Stephanie West Allen, has subtle humor, but the resources here are mostly links to external sites and discussion groups. The "Create a Great Funeral" group, at Yahoo, had only 11 members at our last visit. Obviously, attitudes in our "wait-on-me" society will have to change before baby boomers take the initiative and make this forum all it could be. Perhaps the most concrete advice from Stephanie is "Don't Wait To Write Your Epitaph." Here's a chance to take your last stab at inspiration.http://wz.com/people/CreatingYourOwnFuneral.html
or otherwise deal creatively with my ashes.
Death has been around since life began - or shortly afterwards, anyway - and we humans are still adding new twists to it. We found some fascinating and bizarre ways to memorialize yourself or dear departed loved ones after cremation. If you want to display the cremains in your home, but can't find an urn to go with your decor, try incorporating the ashes into a painting by Eternally Yours. Those leaning more towards science and exploration than art can literally ascend to the heavens with a rocket service from Celestis, although it seems that company's latest launch ended up in the ocean. If going out with a different sort of bang is more your style, try a ceremony performed by Celebrate Life in which the cremains are scattered in a shower of fireworks. Of course, you might want the folks at the Eternal Ascent Society to check the forecast before you get there with their weather balloon ceremony. If you feel like resting cremains on the bottom of the ocean on purpose, you can place your loved one in a product of Eternal Reefs, bringing new meaning to "swimming with the fishes."Painting: http://www.memorialart.com/
Space: http://www.celestis.com/
Fireworks: http://www.celebratelife.net/
Balloon: http://www.eternalascent.com/
Reef: http://www.eternalreefs.com/
I wanted to finish the night with a scary computer game
WebVoid has put together a list of the 9.5 (not 10) scariest games of all time. The criteria include silliness, warping of the human psyche, and forcing you to spend hours to download a demo version of a game (broadband schmodband). Thus silly games with zombies and sewer monsters aren't considered serious. No, look for those that change your life, make you insane, or produce a unusual glow around your eyes. Stare too long at a certain part of Lara Croft and you'll find her image burned into your retinas. Play Everquest and get kicked out of college because you haven't studied in weeks. The list goes on. WebVoid's created a well rounded criticism of computer game design, and at the same time has offered you a shopping list of ways to enter a completely vegetative state.http://webvoid.stomped.com/published/darknova974420057_44_1.html
but I had a bug in my keyboard.
The next threat to your computer may not be Nimda or other viruses, denial-of-service attacks, or terrorists. It might be cockroaches, which love to nest in warmth and darkness, such as that offered by the inside of a keyboard. Household appliances and network servers are also at risk of infestation. Termites, moths, and fire ants with a taste for plastic and metal homes also damage or disable cables, circuit boards, and other electrical equipment. Find out how researchers and manufacturers are attacking the problem at "Circuits That Bug Out Bugs", a report from Wired. Weapons in the fight include an insect-repellent film that coats circuit boards and decoys that use static electricity to zap fire ants. Good luck with cleaning up the internal mess if ant pheromones turn your box into a mass grave. Maybe you'd better get better with your boots.http://www.wired.com/news/technology/0,1282,47361,00.html
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Wisconsin Death Trip
Jack the Ripper: Letters from Hell
American Exorcism: Expelling Demons in the Land of Plenty
Lady Cottington's Pressed Fairy Book
Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace DVD