NETSURFER DIGEST HALLOWEEN ISSUE
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NETSURFER DIGEST HALLOWEEN ISSUE
To decide what to do this Halloween,
New subscribers need a special introduction to our annual Halloween issue. You may notice that this issue of NSD is a bit different from the others, both in tone and in content. Our headlines make up a stupid little story, and the articles they precede generally relate to either Halloween or sites that don't meet our standards of tact, taste, and perhaps even skepticism during the other 51 weeks of the year. We're well aware that not everybody will appreciate everything in here, but instead of visiting a possibly offensive link, you can always instead join us in a molasses candy-induced coma or check out last year's Halloween NSD, which includes a link to a list of all past Halloween NSDs.http://www.netsurf.com/nsd/sub/v07/nsd.07.36.html
You can ask "Is anyone there?" You can ask "How did you die?" You can even ask "Is romance in my near future?" - and the crucial follow-up: "With whom?" But never, ever, ever ask the board when you are going to die or where buried treasure is located. The Witchboard knows all the answers, though apparently it's a bit touchy when it comes to the really important ones. Nevertheless, the Witchboard can invoke the spirits and reveal their answers. You'll need the Shockwave plug-in and a mouse to use this online version of a traditional Ouija board, also called a talking board. The Witchboard site has a few other mildly amusing spiritual diversions - we like the Demon Finder - though several bits don't work. Talking boards like the Witchboard have a long and somewhat disreputable history in the spiritual medium business. You can learn all about them at the definitive and highly recommended Museum of Talking Boards site.
Witchboard: http://www.witchboard.com/
Museum of Talking Boards: http://www.museumoftalkingboards.com/
It told me to plan my own funeral.
Land that holds human remains is taking up an ever-increasing portion of the Earth's limited area. Universal Plot offers a solution: a virtual grave in a virtual cemetery. It promises eternal peace in your grave, with none of the hazards of real cemeteries (new construction, superhighways, and weeds). Each personal plot consists of at least three pages of information and can include images, text, audio, and video as part of a memorial. Plots can be as detailed and expressive as wished. The cost of a basic (three-page) plot and interment is orders of magnitude cheaper than the cost of a traditional in-the-ground site and burial. Of course, as with funeral arrangements, purchasers can opt for extra-cost options. The most intriguing is DNA storage, so that possibly one day you - well, your clone - might rise again. The long dead and earthly buried, as well as the living, can obtain sites.http://universalplot.com/
A run-of-the-mill obituary is just a data point. A great obituary, while serving as a data point, is also a celebration of a life. Obits are widely read. They're among the most read section of every newspaper. The Irish know them as the Irish sports pages, since many who emigrated to North America turn to the obits before anything else. The Obitpage.com celebrates the art of the obituary. The main site focuses on the output of the best professional obit writers. If the art or the field interests you, or you're simply a ghoul, you can visit here to learn about obituary conferences to attend, obit news, books to peruse and obtain, and more. The site is simply the last word in obituaries.
http://www.obitpage.com/
Thinking of buying a hearse? Well, Hearse Driver is quite simply the ultimate online resource for hearse enthusiasts. All the salient facts are covered: dimensions (your average coach is about 21 feet long and weighs around three tons); driving tips (U-turns are a thing of the past unless you have three lanes to turn in); even mileage (ha ha ha haa haa haaaaaa). Head to the Condolences link to read and sign the guestbook, learn the lingo of the hearse driver in the Bier Essentials page, or head in to the Mortal Images page for some pix of funeral folk and their bitchin' rides, and other dark and odd stuff. The site also features the alleged world premiere of an E.J. Wells tune, which includes the (very mortal) line, "I drive a hearse, it could be worse, I could be ridin' in the back." Take that, "Las Ketchup".
Hearse Driver: http://www.hearsedriver.com/main.htm
Las Ketchup: http://www.theketchupsong.com/
Specializing in fine caskets for cowboys, Cowboy's Last Ride features caskets in eight different woods, from pine to walnut. There's no hickory or mesquite available, but there is alder. Choices of linings include denim and saddle blanket among a range of options. Although folks behind the site say they can can make pretty much any style casket to order, they really excel at designs for the American cowboy. And, hey - when your inner cowboy takes that final ride to Boot Hill, shouldn't it be in a hand-crafted box?
http://www.cowboyslastride.com/
While looking, I considered the histories of mortuary affairs
America doesn't suffer war casualties well. It insists on recovering, identifying, and properly honoring all those who give their lives for the country. The Army Mortuary Affairs unit most frequently handles those three tasks. This is an old and respected group of scientists and professional soldiers. The unit dates back to the US Civil War and until recently was known as Graves Registration. This site covers its history with detailed articles on the major military campaigns in which its services were needed. Army Mortuary Affairs is thorough and persistent, as other pages make abundantly clear. There's even a fascinating page on the history of dogtags.http://www.qmfound.com/mortuary-affairs.htm
One thing about being dead, as some of these epitaphs actually point out, is that you're dead for a long time. As you usually don't know when you will be "Called back," as Emily Dickinson's tombstone laconically records, it might be an idea to give some thought to your valediction. Frank Sinatra probably had a hand in the classy "The best is yet to come," but we're guessing that one John T. McMahon didn't choose "He was a failure as a husband and father." The Epitaph Browser site is organized both by location of grave and alphabetically, which is useful for looking up the epitaphs of the famous dead. Don't miss the Collector's Choice link, which offers some of the real gems from the headstones of ordinary folk, such as a woman known only as Betty who died in Tobago in 1783: "She was a mother without knowing it, and a wife without letting her husband know it except by her kind indulgences to him." The site has been playing-up recently, but maybe that's the unquiet ghost of John T. McMahon showing its displeasure.
http://www.alsirat.com/epitaphs/
and concluded that I'd prefer to spend eternity as a gemstone
LifeGem provides a service to turn the cremated remains of your loved one, or pet, into a synthetic diamond. The diamonds come in rare diamond colors such as shades of red, blue, and yellow, and can be purchased as loose gems or set into jewelry. The gems cost $2,000 to $8,000. The process uses the body's carbon, liberated during cremation, and applies heat and pressure to it to produce a gem within months. These new memorials are similar to the locks of hair carried in Victorian mourning brooches but more durable. LifeGem suggests that this way your loved one will always be with you and can even become a cherished family heirloom. One question not answered on the FAQ is how many jewels can be produced from each deceased pet - is a gerbil less productive than a racehorse?http://www.lifegem.com/
Do your kids laugh at your attempts to make them look horrific as the big night of trick-or-treating draws near? Does that Freddie mask make your mother-in-law titter instead of tremble? Generic monsters are old hat - make your own. Start at the Monster Makers, the catalogue site of a Cleveland-based mail-order company by the same name that caters to professionals (special-effects artists, for example) and welcomes orders and inquiries from amateurs. Think latex, silicone (no, not in that way), and polymers. The emphasis here is on masks. It helps to have experience in sculpture, mold-making, airbrush painting, and hair application, so if you've competed in a beauty pageant or you're Tammy Faye Bakker Messner, you're set. Browse the catalogue and customer photo gallery even if you don't plan to buy. These people are serious. You can order products such as Beginners Mask Making Kit, Deluxe Full Head Armature, and Mini Clay Gun along with carving tools, synthetic flesh, and acrylic teeth. Corpse and skeleton kits come with "hair, assembly hardware and complete easy-to-follow assembly instructions." Your dentist might appreciate the "Fantastic Dentistry" video as a gift, especially if he swaps X-rays with your vet. Remember your boss, too - a bit of theatrical foam around the mouth wins attention any time of year.
http://monstermakers.com/index.html
I grabbed a store calendar and left.
Sex sells, as everybody knows - but coffins? Italian coffin sellers Cofani Funebri have gone the Pirelli route in their e-portal, with beautiful bikini babes lounging seductively on and even suggestively straddling the merchandise. There's a whole calendar of them here, but our favorite is Miss January, a raven-haired beauty who looks as puzzled as we are that she's astride a sumptuous, top-of-the-line, hand-crafted coffin while wearing a tight pair of Daisy Duke cut-offs. Many customers will no doubt relish the thought of resting their bones here. Knowing nothing of the Italian language we can only speculate at the ad copy: Cofani Funebri, for when you five-knuckle-shuffle off that mortal coil.http://www.cofanifunebri.it/sexy-calendario.htm
Upon leaving, I overheard some witches
It's 1692, and Satan is loose in Salem, Mass. Time travel to that very place in this National Geographic Web site and get caught up in the fear and terror sweeping the area. You stop for a cider at the inn, and out of the dark, one of the girls of Salem accuses you of being a witch. This site allows any respectable virtual resident of old Salem feel the wrath of the community and have the sticky fear of condemnation descend. The outcome is up to you. Can you convince the good people that you are not in league with the Devil or will you die for your sin?http://www.nationalgeographic.com/salem/index.html
Sure, you're a nurturing person, just like all of us at NSD. Raised on Walt Disney and similar stuff, we're programmed to love all creatures, big and small. But then, there are babies. That's a different thing, entirely. You may have thought that their bowel habits are the worst part of dealing with babies. Well, you'd be off to a good start, there - but it can be much, much worse. Got somebody in your family coming into their teens? Don't bother with the the-birds-and-the-bees talk. Send them here.
http://www.scarybaby.com/
talking about this US Navy ghostbuster
Folks in the US Navy sometimes prowl around, looking for ghosts - in their spare time, of course. This little group of ghosthunters is composed of professional journalists and photographers, and their little Web clubhouse is interesting. The photo page may just send a few chills racing up your backbone - assuming you have one. The brief stories also make for a howlingly good time, especially when read only by the glow of the monitor in front of you. Stop. Look. What's that sound? Links to other sites with similar content come free. You can spend entire nights prowling; we know you sleep during the day.http://www.ghostlyplaces.freewebtools.com/index.html
who had investigated a castle.
If you ever wanted to be a medieval knight, this is the Web site for you. It provides plenty of information on medieval architecture, culture, and weaponry. Castle reviews are provided by people who've visited them in more than 30 countries (some links are broken). The featured castle for Halloween season is, appropriately enough, Dracula's Castle in Transylvania, Romania, which was built by the Knights of the Teutonic Order in 1212. If you're interested in haunted castles, you need look no further as the haunted castle section describes the tales of ghoulish hauntings in castles throughout Europe. Alternately, you can join a holiday tour of 18 castles in as many days, not all of them haunted, or even buy your own (are the haunted ones cheaper?). A check for $6 million will get you a 60-room castle in the Austrian Tyrol, just in case you're looking for a weekend retreat.http://www.castlesoftheworld.org/
Surely, the last supper was never quite like this. The Texas Department of Criminal Justice gives Web visitors a look at the final meal requests of its death row inmates. Over 200 inmate profiles and final meal requests are listed. From a T-bone steak to scrambled eggs, the menus are as varying as the offenders. A few of the inmates seem to have lost their appetites and declined a last meal. Perhaps, as a last ditch attempt to redeem himself, Robert Madden, convicted of murdering two men in 1985, requested that his last meal be given to a homeless person. Among the choices, there certainly seems to be a lot of fried food. Don't they know that's bad for them? Likely not the kind of information you'll bring up at the dinner table, this Web site is that brief look at the mind, or in this case palate, of a murder.
http://www.tdcj.state.tx.us/stat/finalmeals.htm
We get some weird things to browse at NSD, but occasionally we get items that defy description. Take, for example, a rendition in pumpkin and ketchup of a thread on Salon about two dogs who apparently decided that an elk carcass was their equivalent of a gingerbread house. Hence, Dogs in Elk (the original thread) and Dogs in Elk in Vegetables, the Web tribute created by some folks who thought the story needed to be immortalized in vegetables and vegetable products. This quote from the thread sort of epitomizes the whole thing: "Bet you could fit a whole lot of Pomeranians in that there elk carcass!"
http://web.media.mit.edu/~solan/dogsinelk/
and set off for that haunted abode,
Picnic in a pleasant park atop a graveyard for criminals, transients, and epidemic victims. Visit a governor's mansion haunted by a ghost in a powdered wig with a fondness for vintage wine. Dine at a restaurant with a 1920s flapper ghost in the ladies' room. The Queen Mary, now a floating hotel in Long Beach, Calif., is allegedly haunted by the ghosts of 338 British sailors who perished when the luxury liner sliced into the light cruiser HMS Curacoa during WWII and did not stop for rescue. Those are just some of the haunted destinations you can visit in the US, detailed at Haunted Places. An international section also has a few choice locations, such as the site of a slapping ghost in Singapore, or the Surinam female phantom that bites pieces of flesh from big toes so it can feed on blood. These online examples come from two books by Dennis Hauk, "Haunted Places: The National Directory" and "The International Directory of Haunted Places", as definitive a set of references to spooky travel as you could possibly wish for.Haunted Places: http://www.haunted-places.com/
National: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0140257349/netsurferdigest
International: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0140296352/netsurferdigest
The Edward Gorey House is a museum in honor of late American illustrator and writer Edward Gorey, whom some may know from his opening animation for the PBS series "Mystery". Fans planning a trip there will want to stop by the museum's official site, where you can peruse a list of upcoming exhibitions and seminars relating to this underappreciated master of macabre art.
http://www.edwardgoreyhouse.com/
I took along something to read
Some would say the scariest book of all time is "Mein Kampf". Others might say the Bible, and others, the "Dubya Strategeric Guide to Foreign Affairs". In terms of Halloween scary, most people would agree on choices - "The Exorcist", for example. In fact, that's one of the five scariest books, according to CNN Interactive, which in 2000 surveyed academics, media people, and staffers to come up with the list. The results are reported, without much analysis. One person chose Richard Nixon's "Six Crises", which goes to show scary is open to interpretation. On the other hand, if you're thinking Edgar Allen Poe, you're closer to mainstream, because Poe's short stories are among the works cited by the surveyees. We won't let it all out of the bag. If you're into demonic girls who rotate their heads 360 degrees, however, or carnivorous hedges that stalk hotel guests, you might want to check out this retrospective tribute. After all, a movie can scare you for a couple of hours, but a scary book lasts longer, especially when Hollywood gets hold of it.http://www.cnn.com/2000/books/reviews/10/26/scary.books/
It's billed the "Scariest Music of All Time Playlist", but it's debatable whether the authors at Illinois radio station WILL have ever listened to anything by any cookie-cutter boy band. A better name might be "The Scariest Music of All Time on a Classical Theme Playlist". One certainly can't argue with the picks: the themes from "Jaws" and "The Twilight Zone", Bach's canonical "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor", five pieces by movie score genius Bernard Herrmann, and the Kronos Quartet doing "Dracula" as composed by Philip Glass. The real tragedy of this playlist is that it is just that, a playlist of some 29 pieces, with no links to either the music files themselves - we know, we know, those pesky copyright issues - or even to the albums at Amazon. Dedicated music hounds won't let that stop them, though, and should be able to put together a custom CD.
http://www.will.uiuc.edu/WILL_Contents/FM_Contents/FM_Scary_Music_Playlist.htm
What's a murder mystery or horror film without fog? Out of keeping with tradition, of course. Fog is as much a part of Halloween as baby oil is of sex... - uh, how did that slip out? Anyway, your parties, your frontyard haunt, or your high-budget thriller just won't cut it without fog. If Mother Nature is out to lunch on your big day, fight back with fog machines. Got Fog will get you started. The FAQ addresses crucial issues such as remote control, fluid supply and storage, noise, and temperature. Unless you like wet furniture, you should only use fog machines outdoors, and you'll want to make sure yours won't set off motion detectors or sprinkler systems. See? There's a lot more to fog than meets the eye. You've got cleaning and other maintenance to do. And don't forget safety: people breathe this stuff; circuit breakers can overload; fog machines get hot.... You're probably willing to accept these risks and others if you're dying for evanescent special effects such as ground-hugging, seeping-up-from-the-ground, or the "swirling vortex glowing in the air". Pipe it here and there. Strobe it. The sky's the limit.
http://www.gotfog.com/
as did the perfume of the night flowers in bloom.
Vampires with a passion for gardening should already know about this site. For people who prefer to enjoy their gardens at night, Malice the webmistress has all the bases covered. You won't be able to see a garden's colors in the black of night, so Malice focuses on white blossoms, which can seem to glow at dusk and in moonlight. She suggests that you plant night-flowering plants like evening primrose, moonflowers (with six-inch trumpet flowers that unfurl in slow motion at sunset), angel's trumpet, and vesper iris. For scent, you can opt for night-fragrant plants like evening trumpet flower and perfumed fairy lily. These can be accessorized with some stone gargoyles and a moondial. There are also links to Gothic plant tales and Ye Olde Gothick Herball, which have been well researched. The Herball outlines the often bloody and tragic mythology of certain herbs and fruits such as the apple, pumpkin, and the Blood Tree.http://www.gothic.net/~malice/night.html
Trick-or-treaters jammed the sidewalk
Rick Doble is a digital photographer we've covered before in NSD. His Halloween online exhibit perfectly captures the flickering oranges and reds, the blacks and ghostly wisps of white that evoke Halloween. The photos range from costumes, decorations, and parties to bonfires, masks, and shadow effects. The fire and shadow photos are alive with nuance and feeling while the more abundant costume and mask photos seem to come to life on the screen. You may even find the inspiration for your own costume.http://www.rickdoble.net/halloween/
but with the aid of a little magic
Enter the realm of Puzuzu, a self-proclaimed incarnated spirit from the Star System Pleiades (never mind that the Pleiades is a cluster of stars...). Entering his last incarnation in the physical world, Puzuzu offers Earth his insight into occult and magic through instruction on his Web site. Learn about the mystic arts of tarot card reading and candle magic. For those interested in the darker practices of magic, check out the conjuring spirits and black magic pages. Rituals and incantations scribed herein are branded with warnings for inexperienced magicians. If you're more interested in general occult information, you'll also find that here. From hypnotism to astral projection, this Web site has lots of links to all things magical and mystical. It's sure to help any novice witch enhance her repertoire.http://www.spellsandmagic.com/
and some helpful, darkly-dressed yokels,
What would happen if Jeff Foxworthy opened up for the Sisters of Mercy? We think it might be something like Stacey Kaminski's You Might Be a Goth Hick If... list. The rollcall includes such favorites as "You think you have a black car, but can't tell because of the dirt," and "You have both the word 'howdy' and the phrase 'long, dark torment of the soul' on your answering machine."http://ucsub.colorado.edu/~kaminssl/gothic/goth.html
I found my way to the correct street number, 666,
Many of us have accused our computers of being evil after they've eaten our documents, but this published sermon takes that to the extreme. The Book of Revelations in the Bible has a verse which states that 666 is the number of the beast or Antichrist. LeRoy Cressy believes that the beast in question is the root user on systems like Unix, AIX, Linux, and OS2. He explains that 666 is used as a parameter to the chmod command to give full read-write access to a file. This is typically done by the system administrator, or root user, and overrides the normal ownership of a file. It is a powerful tool, and Cressy thinks that such power will be used by Antichrist sysadmins to take control of items such as your bank account. Perhaps this is something to discuss with your own friendly sysadmin, but be sure to back up your data first.http://lrcressy.com/church/sermons/1999/03.02-jan.10.97-666.html
Near-death experiences draw you. You wonder what death is like. You just can't help it. The Near Death Database, however, might help you. It's a kind of encyclopedia, Though not all the links work, it still provides a good selection of tales from the other side. You live only a few years on this little rock. Where does the rest of the time go? What happens? Is this short slice of time really all we get? You'll find more questions than answers here and many of the links put a heavily Christian slant on things. Still, plow past the book offers and the preaching, and you'll find some truly interesting nuggets. But is that really chicken in those nuggets? Do chickens even have nuggets? What is this stuff, anyway?
http://www.mysteries-megasite.com/main/bigsearch/neardeath.html
gargoyles and grotesques festooned the facade,
Meet the gargoyles and other creatures integrated into the design and architecture of buildings scattered throughout New York City. Created and designed by New York native Amelia Wilson, this site is a fascinating look at these often overlooked pieces of artwork. Visit the Monsters Walk page for a guided look at these stone monsters in different New York neighborhoods. From Wall Street to the Brooklyn Museum, this city is home to a wealth of stone creatures. Obtain an exact address here, and then go for a walk of your own. We guarantee the site will make you look up on your next walk through Manhattan as you wonder where these architectural beauties have been all your life. Even if you're not a New Yorker, look around old buildings in your hometown. Grotesques and gargoyles have been known to haunt buildings in even the smallest of towns.http://www.aardvarkelectric.com/gargoyle/
and inside, I found much to do.
One of the really fun things about Halloween is that it's the perfect time of year to showcase your creativity. Certainly, there's the challenge of putting together a clever costume, but there are many fun decorative opportunities beyond that, from amusing jack-o'-lanterns to cleverly positioned skeletons. The Home and Garden Television (HGTV) Web site showcases a nice variety of Halloween decor and project ideas, many of them suitable for last-minute arts-and-crafts hacking. There are the simple yet clever costumes, easy-to-make pumpkin place mats, spooky scarecrows, and ghostly windsocks. Some of our favorite projects include the jack-o'-lantern village, the Halloween topiary, and the cool skeleton luminarias - paper bags filled with sand and a lit candle that can be placed along a walkway to guide visitors. The 45 projects here are taken from a variety of arts and crafts books, and as a bonus each project includes a reference to the book and a link where you can order it.http://www.hgtv.com/hgtv/pac_ctnt_lnb_gutter/text/0,1783,HGTV_3938_5067,00.html
No toy is too sacred for online parody, least of all Lego, center of childhood fun for adult geeks today. LegoDeath is an online "museum" which examines death through the ages, portrayed entirely in Lego as you may have already guessed. You must have Flash to partake, and some of the exhibits, like the iron maiden, don't make a lot of sense unless you use the arrows to rotate the piece. Be sure to check out Occupational Hazards before the Occupational Safety and Health Administration of Legodom puts a stop to it.
http://www.legodeath.com/
This seasonal issue of the ChefMom recipe site contains great recipes for the kids and for anyone who is young at heart and wants to join in the spirit of the spooking. Of the ten recipes, some are fairly mild on the scary scale. The instructions for the Quick Caramel Apples look reasonably fool-proof and might be fun for a family to make together. Most children would probably rather follow the steps for making slime. It's non-edible but is bound to get thrown around the house - it claims to not leave a residue or get stuck on anything. Those with a sweet tooth might enjoy the Choco Lanterns, chocolate-filled mini-pumpkins. One flaw is the lack of photographs, the best and worst (it's supposed to look like that?!) part of any recipe book, but at least the instructions are all clearly written and printer-friendly.
http://chefmom.myria.com/recipebox/Holiday_and_Seasonal/Halloween/
This Web page offers you "Halloween", the 28-verse poem by the renowned Scottish poet Robert Burns (Robbie to his fans). His verse can be somewhat hard to fathom thanks to some extreme spelling and dialect - "The lads sae trig, wi' wooer-babs" is beyond us - but perseverance and some guess-work results in a rollicking tale of mildly pagan highjinks in the Highlands. Jennie, a young girl, wants to "eat the apple at the glass" but her grannie advises her against this ancient superstition of mirror magic. It is the Devil's work, Grannie says, and provides several scary tales of such tricks causing harm rather than joy. The story went that if a young woman ate an apple in front of a looking-glass on Halloween, the face of the man whom she was destined to marry would appear. Clearly, Jennie's grandmother would prefer to be the official matchmaker instead....
http://www.djmcadam.com/halloween.htm
A virtual portal of Halloween information, HalloweenMagazine.com is truly a one-stop shop for all your Halloween needs. Looking for that perfect costume? Visit the costumes page for ideas for kids, adults, and even pets. Perhaps you're hosting a gruesome gala this year and need some devilish decor to haunt your house. You'll find something to help you out on the decorations page. Make your get-together extra creepy by putting into action some tips and tricks on the food and activities pages. Parents who have ghouls and ghosts to take trick-or-treating should review the safety page on this site for a refresher of keeping your little boos safe on Halloween. If you're wondering what all the fuss is about, take some time to browse the history page.
http://www.halloweenmagazine.com/
I even practiced my juggling with vials of smallpox.
BrainPOP has developed smallpox for kids. No, wait... - they've developed a tutorial about smallpox for kids. Tim and Moby, two cartoon characters, go over the history of the disease and try to stem some common misconceptions that can fuel paranoia. The movie even goes into the biological weapon aspects, so if you're trying to explain to your child what might happen if smallpox were weaponized, this is a good place to come for support.http://www.brainpop.com/health/immune/smallpox/
A very rude teddy bear chased me out of the house
Is there someone special in your life you think needs a curse? The Swearbear Web site gives you the chance to buy a teddy bear to do just this and more, with a choice of insulting and obscene E-cards. Buy your very own Fuck You T-shirt, complete with a picture of a Swearbear giving the finger, and meet the rest of the Swearbear gang. There's Beer Bear, who knows when to party and get wasted (all the time), Horny Bear (she never gives up on you and will always go down on you), as well as Pervert Bear, Bitchy Bear, and Fart Bear, who all live up to expectation. You can even buy the toys - cursing key-chains, Burp Bear, Kiss My Ass Bear, though at press time, Bin Laden Bear had sold out. Our favorite part of the site is the swearing keyboard where each key is a different note and a different swearword. Play your favorite tunes or listen to "Twinkle Twinkle Little Shit" or "Row, Row, Row your Ass" to a rock, swing, or funk beat. Don't go to the message-boards though, unless you are unshockable.http://www.swearbear.com/home.html
Here at Netsurfer we don't do Zen, as it gets in the way of our Zen, but if we did, then Bovine Inversus would be our online Zendo. Zen rejects notions of fixed meaning and logic and instead stresses the intuitive and revelatory; meaning is what you make of it, and enlightenment can come in the oddest of places. This makes it extremely attractive both to flaky, Western, more-enlightened-than-thou New-Agers in their quick-and-easy search for enlightenment-by-numbers, and to wickedly mischievous parodists. To be fair, we suspect that it's the misuse rather than use of Zen philosophies which is lampooned here, as these koans deal with such matters as drunkenness, masturbation, and huffing gas. An example, "Zen and the art of premature ejaculation", goes: "Lui Po one day said to Hu Wan, 'It is better to....' Before Lui Po was finished, Hu Wan attained enlightenment." As we said, enlightenment comes in the oddest places.
http://www.bovineinversus.com/zen.html
Now you can be right when accusing your significant other of being a little horny, with headgear provided by Pan's House of Horns. The variations are abundant, from unicorn to demonic and you can custom order the style, size and color you want.
http://www.panshouseofhorns.com/
I went online to find some delights,
The horniest holiday is Halloween. As aficionados of vampire and slasher flicks know, one of its dark sides is sex. If you're old enough, you might spice up your tricks and treats with Daze Reader, which tells you upfront what to expect: "All about sex, culture, technology, art, politics, gossip, ideas, drugs & rock & roll... but mostly sex." Actually, it's all about sex, as far as we can tell. For a quick overview of this wide-ranging blog, scan the Recent Additions column on the home page. Topics get pretty specific (topless yoga, hotel room porn, and Texas sex laws, for example) but never deep. Tabloid lovers will find familiar titillation, what with the occasional link to paparazzi photos of semi-nude sunbathers and tidbits about porn stars. Well-known names pop up, including Austin Powers, Jenna Jameson, and D.H. Lawrence. The Full Coverage Directory has many other instant hooks. We did stumble across something, well, mainstream, if you will: a page about the PBS Frontline program "American Porn". You probably wouldn't want your kids visiting sites such as "Boobtropolis" or "Teen Dreamer" that are linked prominently on the same page. Browser, beware.http://www.dazereader.com/
The tagline says it all: "Can you handle life?" Here's the gory news of the day, served in text and multimedia. This is the stuff of daily life, and death. If you weren't already a believer in the concept that alcohol and driving don't mix, check out the images of a guy with 0.28% blood alcohol who had an intimate relationship with guardrail at 120 miles per hour. It probably wouldn't have been a whole lot prettier had he and his passenger been in a car instead of a motorcycle. Note: there are links to porn sites here; apparently gore and porn go hand in hand, but where else are you going to find a multimedia presentation of a dead rat consumed by worms?
http://www.ogrish.com/index.php
and to consult movie listings.
You're dying for a good horror flick, but there's nothing on the tube and you've already seen the offerings in local theaters. It's time to visit Upcoming Horror Movies, a hobby site that provides a modest but up-to-date collection of links to trailers of horror movies soon to hit the screen. Other features of the site include the Movies section - skeletal infopages of about a hundred horror movies, most of which have been released in the past five or ten years - and Reviews, a much larger collection. The informal prose here probably wouldn't make it into the New York Times. It's not Variety but it has variety, and many horror fans will enjoy matching their own impressions against those here. You won't gain much insight into filmmaking trends or the future of horror, but Upcoming Horror Movies may help you stay ahead of fellow bloodthirsty moviegoers.http://www.upcominghorrormovies.com/
You know how sometimes when you leave your desk for a two-hour meeting, you'll come back to your desk and not be able to find your monitor for all the sticky notes your co-workers have wallpapered your workplace with? It looks like that's what happened to Matt Round's Web page, only he did it to himself intentionally. His blog is nevertheless an interesting take on the genre, although at times a bit creepy. What were you expecting from someone whose place of employment is a Web design firm named Malevolent Design?
http://www.malevole.com/
The room is dim; hypnotically repetitive, eerie music plays in the background. You sit at a green felt-topped table opposite the Gimp, a ghostly pale figure with sunken black eyes. In front of him are a revolver and a box of ammunition. He picks up the gun and places the barrel to his temple, looking straight at you, blinking. He whimpers as he squeezes the trigger. Click. He puts the gun back on the table and pushes it towards you. You pick up the gun. Do you spin the chamber? No, you hold it to your head as the hellish music plays on. Click. A reprieve. You push the gun back towards the Gimp, who picks it up again. He spins the chamber and places the gun to his temple. He waits for what seems like an eternity, just looking at you with those dead eyes, blinking and whimpering in fear. You know the Gimp is just a character in a F'lash-animated game, but why doesn't he just pull the damned trigger? Perhaps he knows something? The suspense is killing you....
http://members.aon.at/rialskaedda.html/gimproulette.swf
Those of you wishing for a cartoon to rival the Itchy and Scratchy cartoons of "The Simpsons" need look no further. Get ready for the insane world of Happy Tree Friends, produced by Mondo Mini Shows. The stars may look cute and innocent, but don't let that fool you. Behind their angelic facades lies psychotic wildness. Like many animations, these characters run into a heap of trouble with not only other characters, but with some pretty bizarre objects as well. In an episode titled "It's a Snap!", three characters get into a precarious predicament with several bear traps, which leaves one character amputated and another almost decapitated. This kind of graphic violence appears throughout the Happy Tree Friends cartoons. If you enjoy the darker side of humor, you'll likely be tickled pink.
http://review.mondominishows.com/happytree.html
I instead made myself some Ant Brood Tacos
This is truly a recipe collection for only the most discerning of palates. Bert Christensen's Weird & Different Recipes offers some of the most bizarre food selections ever to adorn a menu. Try hosting a dinner party with these foods and your guests probably won't come back for more. Start off with an appetizer of gross proportions. Tempt your guests' palates with Cow Udder Eclairs, Slug Fritters, or Pickled Pigs' Ears. Next, serve Fruit Bat Soup with a side of Spider Salad. For an entree that'll leave them screaming, try Fried Beaver Tail, Homemade Maggot Stew, Opossum Sausage, Salmonella, or Baked Seal Flippers with Vegetables. For that delectable dessert, there's Kitty Litter Cake, Snowman's Balls, Garlic Ice Cream, and Bug Blox. You'll never be in need of that perfect Halloween menu again. Use this site and your spooky gala will be a scream.http://bertc.com/recipes.htm
Papa Hemingway was never this outlandish in his beloved Key West, which gets a head start on Halloween with Fantasy Fest 2002. This year's theme for the island's autumnal revelries is Mystical Mornings, Monsterious Nights. Corporate sponsors and the official Web site give this bash official approval. It's easy to view this celebration of sunrise or sunset or something as a Mardi Gras spin-off that's a fine Halloween excuse to let it all hang out in public. There are masquerades, a parade or two, street fair, bikini contest, toga party, body painting, and other tropical festivities. For those who can't attend and, perhaps, for those who've made a spectacle of themselves in honor of imagination, the crowning glory of the Web site is its photo gallery. Hot babes and boys sport feathers and froufrou, paint and petals, to make a statement: live in paradise and you have time to flaunt some pretty elaborate ornaments. Our guess is that local seamstresses, bartenders, and photographers do fairly decent business from Oct. 18-27. Of course, this site doesn't report how wild things really get down there this time of year. It's sure no townhall meeting!
http://www.fantasyfest.net/
Aliens got me on the way, however.
Alien abduction isn't even rare, apparently. There are many reports from people who have been taken, occasionally probed, and returned. But what about those folks who just disappear? Ask any police department - there are lots of missing people who are never seen again. The most common cause may be that they've been taken by really dumb aliens (you think humans have a monopoly?), the kind who couldn't find their way to San Jose, much less back to Earth. What's an Earthling to do? If you're abducted, taken away, and the aliens get lost, and you're wearing this dogtag, your hosts might be able to use it to point themselves back towards Earth. The data on the tag resembles the plaque affixed to the Pioneer space probes. It might help. Then again, it might cause your aliens to vaporize you.http://www.earthbounddog.com/