NETSURFER DIGEST HALLOWEEN ISSUE
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NETSURFER DIGEST HALLOWEEN ISSUE
NSD 8.42: http://www.netsurf.com/nsd/sub/v08/nsd.08.42.html
NSD 7.36: http://www.netsurf.com/nsd/sub/v07/nsd.07.36.html
NSD 6.37: http://www.netsurf.com/nsd/sub/v06/nsd.06.37.html
From 1829 to 1971, Eastern State Penitentiary (ESP) - later called the State Correctional Institution at Philadelphia - was one of the most famous prisons in the US. It was a landmark, literally - the US government designated it a National Historical Landmark in 1965. The prison held Al Capone for eight months in a cell that can only be called sumptuous. Restoration in the 1990s has turned the place into a tourist property with its own Halloween celebrations. Emeril Lagasse chose the old prison to host his "Emeril Live Halloween Special". The official ESP site has the seasonal info, but also some nice chunks of history and QuickTime VR panoramas as part of an online tour. If that isn't enough, head on over to the Asylum Eclectica for a personal recollection, with photos, of a visit. The bolder reader may want to try the Asylum Eclectica links at the bottom of the page for stories of death and other gruesomeness, particularly the first-hand accounts found at My Brush with Morbidity.
ESP: http://easternstate.org/
Asylum Eclectica: http://asylumeclectica.com/sightseer/us/pa/esp.htm
The Waterboro Public Library may not immediately come to mind as a cool place to kick off your Halloween festivities, but as horror is more often what happens in your mind than what happens in the real world, this is a good place to start. The library has a list of books that involve murder by unusual means. The victims include a guy strangled with a mouse cord while riding an automated mail cart, an environmental activist blown to bits by an exploding cow, and a vegetarian found strangled by a salad-shooter cord. The library's list shows clearly that there's little limit to the human imagination when it comes to finding creative ways to snuff folks. Be sure to check out the link to How to Get Away With Murder. That page offers great insights such as "Do not set fire to the corpse in the back garden - the neighbours will notice," all based on real murderers.
http://www.waterborolibrary.org/mystlists/weaponsmysts.htm
Whenever a movie plot crawls to a standstill, scriptwriters add a damsel in distress. Some Bond girls are perfect examples. Many others are enshrined, in a sense, through the Damsel in Distress Hall of Shame, a humorous pantheon of TV and film starlets who made a mark enduring, in the words of the Loosie Award's mock press release, "the horrors of loose ropes, thin cleave gags, and ill-fitting manacles." Jeri Ryan, Sheree Wilson, and Teri Hatcher are but three illustrious prime-time babes honored here with video stills and prose that celebrate trappings of pop mayhem. Parents should be forewarned. Abuse is a common theme in this line of work. Don't encourage kids to shackle, strap, or otherwise perpetuate cheap plot devices even if under contract. Some of the analyses (such as a look at "Lolita 2000") include photos of bare breasts or women in compromising positions. Does the prospect make your blood run faster? Quick, while it still exists! Jump! Scroll! Click!
http://www.jollyroper.com/halloshame/index.html
In jail, I counted down the days until Halloween.
X-Entertainment has a page that we can best describe as a Halloween advent calendar. Starting Sept. 18, the site has posted a daily page of All Hallow's Eve goodness, or badness. The countdown focus breaks down into three primary categories: Halloween costume accessories; Halloween food; and everything else. It's hard to tell which is more frightening, gummy candy corn or fake blood. On the other hand, the choice of top item here is easy - it's the Utz Halloween Pretzels from Oct. 6.http://x-entertainment.com/halloweencountdown/
The authorities filed my mugshot
What could be scarier than the offerings at what claims to be the biggest online directory of mugshots? Browse Mugshots.com for hundreds of snapshots of famous, infamous, and random accused criminals. The list of celebrity mugshots includes bad-boy rapper Eminem, fitness guru Jane Fonda, and buxom blonde Anna Nicole Smith. You'll not only find actors, models, and musicians, you'll also find mug shots from the average Joes and Janes too. Each mugshot is accompanied by a short write-up on the alleged perpetrator. You'll chuckle as you scan the various career criminals who keep screwing up at being a screw-up. Of particular amusement is the convicted burglar who left a trail of footprints in the freshly fallen snow, from his home to that of his victim's.http://www.mugshots.com/
The California Astrology Association (CAA) claims to have been around for 34 years, and guarantees that every product will work or your money back. How do you prove whether a Witch Doctor Spell Kit works or fails? We don't know. But they have lots of testimonials from presumably satisfied customers, although it's possible these testifiers have all been bewitched - how can you really say one way or the other? This CAA has all you could really ask for during the Halloween giving season, though: spell casting; voodoo; and other stuff. They can even get you money, and who couldn't use a little more cash in the ol' Levi Strausses? If you're a seller of such services and you'd like to participate in this site, it offers an affiliate program. We suspect you won't need to contact the folks who run the CAA - if they have powers, they know about you already. You're probably just sitting on a waiting list, somewhere.
http://www.calastrology.com/
Anyone looking to sway the powers that may or may not be to their own ends should plan a visit to the Web site of Voodoo Authentica. In addition to the standard voodoo dolls, ju-jus, and gris-gris bags, the site offers to sell a selection of spells you can cast yourself. Who couldn't use one of the ancient and traditional spells to evoke success in "Gambling and Lotto", "Win in Court", or "Get That Job"? Kidding aside, the voodoo dolls are miniature works of art, and would look perfect on any miniature coffee table. Even those of us not inclined to shell out for ritual magic can take something from the site. The About Voodoo section has a voodoo FAQ and glossary. If you don't know your asson from your Legba, here's the place to learn the difference.
http://www.voodooshop.com/index.html
It's almost as good as being there. Visit Moss to purchase your very own small, elegant - and metal, no less - replica of infamous structures in recent history. If you missed Chernobyl in person and want a small memento to let your guests know that you do really care, this is the perfect way to do so. With too few details to be called models, these chunks of metal have enough form to clearly indicate what they represent. There's an occasional miss in the series - for example, admirers are going to need to read the label on the Waco replica to realize what it represents. However, most are perfectly obvious at glance. They are the best way to almost be at a disaster.
http://www.mossonline.com/asp/productshow.asp?prd_id=1022
If you needed armaments on a massive scale in the early part of the 20th century, you went to see Francis Bannerman, whose headquarters was a castle of his own design on an island in the Hudson River just above the aptly named World's End stretch. The currents are swift and the river is its deepest here. Getting from the shore to the island is not a simple task, but many made the trip. Some visitors represented nations whose armies needed rearming, others, many in the same boat, represented factions seeking to overthrow the governments of the same nations. Bannerman sold to all, cash up front, please. The castle and outbuildings have fallen into disrepair (the castle burned out more than 30 years ago) and the world no longer needs men like Bannerman, as they have governments like Bannerman. This Hudson Valley Ruins page offers photos of a fairly recent visit to what is easily one of the oddest and most spectacular places on the river. - which is haunted, of course - For fun or profit, haunted-house attractions pop up like apple-bobbers 'round this time of year. HauntWorld supports them with advice and resources. The site is the online companion to the quarterly magazine of the same name. Plain ol' folk can find nearby haunted houses by location or use the Halloween Search Engine. Dedicated amateurs and pros can browse the Haunted Attraction Industry and Halloween Headquarters sections for pages of goodies like haunted-house how-tos and merchandise. After all, who couldn't use a sofalator or a pre-owned air cannon? The only problem is that reading the descriptions of the tricks used by the designers of haunted houses might ruin them for you.
http://www.hudsonvalleyruins.org/rinaldi/bannerman.htm
http://www.hauntworld.com/
After Life is an online exhibition of the work of New Zealand-born photographer Jonathan Clark. It's a series of photographs of Streatham Cemetery, in south London, taken over the course of two years. The result is just stunning. The pictures themselves are beautifully composed, with Clark capturing not only the physical detail - hoarfrost on the tombstones, watery south London winter sunshine, and bruised peach skies - but also somehow creating the atmosphere of this Victorian graveyard. You almost feel as though you were there. Part of this is no doubt down to his innovative use of sound and animation: bells chime, ravens call, eerie music plays in the background, and the graveyard comes to life in unexpected ways, some of which are genuinely unsettling. We suggest you view the site in full screen mode and make sure you run your mouse cursor over the pictures for the full effect. If you like what you see, and we're sure you will, you can order photographs online for a surprisingly reasonable 40GBP per A4 size print.
http://www.jonathan-clark.com/afterlife/cemetery.htm
It is believed that on Halloween night the veil between the world of the living and the world of the dead is the thinnest. To explore this and other conceptions about spirits, ghosts, and apparitions, we suggest a tour through an online portal to the paranormal called Ghost Source. Read "True Stories" of encounters with mystical beings like demons, ghosts, and vampires. Perhaps you've found yourself with a nuisance spirit haunting your home. At this Web site, you can search for local experts of unexplained phenomena. Fans of the paranormal, or at least of movies about the paranormal, will appreciate the Reviews pages, where you'll find movie reviews and purchase options. As you prepare for another hauntingly fun Halloween, brush up on your ghost, goblin, and scary creature facts with a stop at the Ghost Source.
http://www.ghostsource.com/
A black cat did cross my path.
Halloween is, unfortunately, a trying time for cats, particularly black ones, and particularly those who are allowed to roam the neighborhood by ignorant owners. Folks, let's get a few things straight: you're shortening the life of your cat if you let the thing outdoors any time of year. So-called domestic cats are also responsible for the wholesale slaughter of small songbirds. (Your precious Poopsie doesn't go after larger birds like starlings - those birds are too aggressive.) Around Halloween, these cats become targets, apparently - particularly if the coloration of these cats happens to be black. Franny Syufy, the About.com guide to cats, says you need to be aware of "sadistic humans who would love nothing better than to get their hands on a black cat for a ritualistic sacrifice." Go buy a litterbox, keep your cats inside or tethered, and become a responsible pet owner.http://cats.about.com/library/weekly/aa101700a.htm
If cats can be scary, and cat-owners frightening, where do cat-breeders fall? The folks who run Old Castle's Cats cattery - yes, they call it a cattery - take a measure of pride in being so chilling that they have a MIDI of Bach's Tocatta and Fugue in D Minor playing at the Kings page. Old Castle's Cats specializes in Persians and Himalayans, all of which look like dustmops that ran into a glass door. Oh, yes - kings.... The cattery cats are divided into kings, queens, and heirs, and all have their own page (and MIDI). If you can stomach MIDIs, blinking stars, and fairies in the name of owning one of these pug-nosed monstrosities, check out the Heirs in Waiting page. Once you do own a Persianesque cat, you may also want to shave your pussy. Mission Hill Persians shows you how.
Old Castle's Cats: http://www.oldcastle.net/
Mission Hill Persians: http://www.missionhillpersians.com/shaving.htm
so I ducked into a store to do some early Christmas shopping.
Halloween, if not Labor Day, marks the start of the Christmas shopping season, it seems. It's hard to find tasteful gifts inspired by the religious background of Christmas, so the 12 Days of Kitschmas site doesn't even try. Instead, it revels in tasteless choices, and lets you purchase any of 12 gifts that we're pretty sure none of our readers would ever want to see beneath their tree. Actually, we kinda have to admit to admiring the inflatable church. It would give us a place to display our black-bear nativity scene.http://www.shipoffools.com/Gadgets/Kitschmas02/index.html
I considered some Star Wars toys
When you first watched "Return of the Jedi" and saw the lightly armed two-legged Imperial reconnaissance vehicles called Scout Walkers, used at the Battle of Endor, chances are you weren't thinking of hardcore pornography. But someone was, and he has set up the Scout Walker Kama Sutra site. Mechanical porn has never been this hilarious. The site is divided into six sections, including oral sex, anal sex, and foreplay, with scandalous photographs of steamy, no-holds-barred, walker-on-walker action. Each position is given a suitably lurid name - The Otter and the Clam, The Wheelbarrow Race, Hammer and Tongs - and is described in lavish detail. There are even brief biographies of the actors involved as well as Scout Walker schematics in case you plan on trying some of the more bizarre position yourself at home with your own Star Wars toys.http://www.churchofthegrey.com/atst/index.html
"It is the act which should originally be performed secretly. Don't you want to peep into the act? Your desire is satisfied." So runs the Engrish introduction to this site, which, we had better be clear, houses a collection of Japanese scat-fetish dolls. There are several different dolls, though each is performing the same bodily function, and in the case of the Yukari Fujisaki 2, or enema doll, performing it with astonishing vigor. Bear in mind that this is the Halloween edition of NSD where we occasionally bring you something, well, a little out of the ordinary, so feel free to skip this link if the sight of a plastic figurine of a Japanese schoolgirl curling a turd into her cupped hand offends. This must rank as one of the most bizarre things we have seen on the Internet, and believe us, we have seen some strange things in our time online.
http://gold-exp.hp.infoseek.co.jp/
Those who know why you wrap a hamster in duct tape will appreciate a RealHamster. Elastic, durable, and powered by your choice of five CPUs, the double-orificed RealHamsters are a bargain at only a few thousand dollars apiece. You can choose one of the six standard models or design your own with up to three points of entry. These are not, as the site emphasizes, RealSheep in hamster's clothing. They are made to withstand abuse and are dishwasher-safe and Y2K compliant. Each comes with an accessory kit (with duct tape, just in case). Those of us who live near shark-infested beaches should probably opt for the Beach Squick model, with its active sonar and six shark-buggering torpedoes.
http://www.realhamster.com/intro.html
The clerk made a few bad jokes
Marketers who put lame puns on bags of instant oatmeal know many kids like dumb humor. You will too, particularly the "jokes" at "Halloween Howls!" - maybe, maybe after quaffing a beer for every walk to the front door to greet trick-or-treaters. Two examples will give you a taste of what to expect. "Why did the ghost go into the bar? For the BOOS." Groan. "Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? He didn't have a haunting license." Double groan. These are the kind of million-times-retold jokes you probably traded with your pals when you were eight years old. Even scarier than the puns is the Web site design. It's a throwback to 1995, with its MIDI soundtrack ("Ghostbusters", natch) and animated-GIF clipart. Come to think of it, you might want to memorize a few of these one-liners to bring the fear to any colleagues: "Who was the most famous French skeleton?" Of course, you have the answer taped to your sleeve: "Napoleon Bone-apart".http://www.celebratelove.com/halloweenhumor.htm
and had a weird look in his eye
To round out your Halloween costume, look at your eyes. Actually, if the eyes are strange enough, nobody notices the rest of the costume, anyway. Look to LensQuest for contact lenses that can offer you that special appearance. Dress up your eyes for around $35 a pop - or better yet, just dress one. That really gets people wondering. And the beauty is - they're re-usable! Yes, we speak from experience. People get weirded out when one eye looks markedly different from the other; it's not spooky, but it is really fun to watch their eyes shift back and forth as they try to process inbound data regarding your eyes. LensQuest offers 17 pages of eye-altering and mind-bending lenses, from simple iris-only effects to complete-eye coverings like the Green Dragon.http://www.lensquest.com/scripts/productGroup.asp/deptID=7/
as he offered me some mummified fruit.
Mummy, mummy, in the pyramid, who's the longest lasting of us all? Mummification is an ancient art that can stage a comeback with your help. Originally developed for the preservation of corpses, it still does that job admirably. Follow the simple instructions here and learn how to preserve a piece of fruit for all time. Once you master fruit, the same simple technique, using the same simple ingredients, should work for everything that you want to keep forever. The technique is probably best used with discretion, though.http://unmuseum.mus.pa.us/exmum.htm
Little things can make any day seem like Halloween. Sand in your mouth, say. Coffee grounds on your tongue. Or nose hairs between your teeth. Yuck! Still, at the right moment - say, at a party - these annoyances can make you a popular conversationalist. Everyone who has ever licked a tissue seems to have their own list of chalk-on-blackboard screechers that drive them up a wall - and we all need to know that what bothers us bothers others. Should you need fodder for cocktail chat or a focus for your next curse, Things That Make Your Skin Crawl will bring back memories of special moments of a kind cherished by misanthropes, pranksters, and makers of horror flicks. Our fear is that you'll discover some disgusting habit on this informal page and pick it up. Instead, we suggest you populate the sorry discussion board or help clean up someone's act.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A137567
City of Shadows is the home page of London bibliophile Elizabeth Stegenga, who describes her site as a Gothic tour of Victorian London. Her tour will take you to all sorts of strange, wonderful, and unexpected places, being, as it is, a vast resource of links to all manner of things relating to the old city during the Victorian period. The site's name suggests a tendency towards the darker side of things, and indeed there is plenty here to satisfy the most macabre curiosity. You can find the weather conditions on the dates of Jack the Ripper's murders, read a contemporary account of 19th-century London's beggars and cheats, or see photographs of London's graveyards and cemeteries. But there are actually fascinating resources of a more general kind, and perhaps the most rewarding way to explore, as with a tour of the actual city itself, is just to browse aimlessly, looking at photographs, reading an essay or two about London's sewers, or finding out what the city's place names mean - Croydon, now London's most soulless collection of retail parks, once meant "valley of the wild saffron".
http://cityofshadows.stegenga.net/
When those costumed freeloaders ring your bell on Halloween and mumble "Trick or treat," call their bluff. Don't force them to tax their little minds trying to think of a trick - oh, no, the youth of today think toilet-papering a yard is the height of pranksterism. Make them work by singing for their candied corn. Set up a computer by the door and print out lyric sheets to hand out. When a clump of trick-or-treaters shows up, hand out the papers and fire up the MIDIs at Halloween Carols, where you'll have found the lyrics. If any of the brats complain, tell them that in your day, you had to wear a wet cardboard box as costume and you only got root vegetables, and those only from mean old women who would throw them at your head with glee.
http://www.night.net/halloween/halloween-carols.html-ssi
Capitalism is the savior of those who want to dress for Halloween but not work too hard at it. Racks and racks of mass-produced costumes sit waiting to be plucked like pre-carved pumpkins by those with less time than money. RetroCrush brings a multitude of such haberdashery to the online public, which can view plastic masks and body bags of everything from Boo Berry to Marie Osmond to the Asteroids video game.
http://www.retrocrush.com/archive2003/costumes/
It was as frightening as Moscow
Moscow gets a bad rap. The Moscow murder rate is only about 18 per 100,000, which is well within the range of large American cities. Still, that doesn't prevent some people from reveling in Moscow's dangerous reputation, even Muscovites themselves. The eXile is one of Moscow's alternative papers, and one of its continuing features is Death Porn, a selection of text vignettes that explore the background behind and methods of Moscow's murderers. Each entry is associated with one or more icons of characteristics such as "Riddled with bullets", "Cries for help ignored", and "Cannibalism". Each page has photos, but they seem added just for gratuitous gore and don't seem related to the crimes described. Moscow may not have more murders than the average large American city but, boy, they sure do seem more creative.http://www.exile.ru/browse?section=14
Boy, not two articles ago, we sent you to RetroCrush, and now we'll do so again, this time so you can visit the site's choice of the top 100 scariest movie moments of all time. Well, we can only assume there will be 100 eventually - right now, 28 are missing. The list spans the expected and the obscure, and for that reason makes for some delightful reading. While you can predict some entries even before clicking the link below - "Poltergeist" and "The Shining" make the grade, of course - the inclusion of some movies will come as a surprise, either because of their obscurity or because they aren't generally considered scary movies. Older readers might remember Shelly Winters floating in "Night of the Hunter", but would you have guessed "The Godfather Part II" or "The Wizard of Oz"? If we were making this list, the freakish space baby from the end of "2001: A Space Odyssey" would definitely make the top ten. Ewww....
http://www.retrocrush.com/scary/
How to Take Great Halloween Photos may help you enjoy "one of the year's greatest photo opportunities". First, keep the three guidelines of the New York Institute of Photography (NYIP) in mind: determine your subject; focus attention on it; and simplify it. Even more important than composition and technique may be incorporating the fantasy, fear, and the eerie - the spirit of Halloween. This article, from the NYIP, covers techniques for the layman. There's no talk of f-stops and little of medium - the most technical discussion only mentions lighting and time of day and does so in everyday language. Where else are you going to find ten or so paragraphs on how to shoot a pumpkin?
http://www.nyip.com/tips/topic_halloween03.php
The original "Star Trek" owed a debt to schlock SF and horror movies in more ways than one. One of those ways was the soundtrack, the music that supported and drove the story. Monstrous Movie Music is devoted entirely to that music. The site is at heart a shill for the album of the same name, but it offers more than just a sales pitch. Visitors can read about monster-movie-music composers like Henry Mancini. Best of all, the site offers lots of audio clips, including some complete pieces. You can't listen to Herman Stein's "Visitors from Space", from the movie "It Came from Outer Space", without thinking of a kidnapped Captain Kirk's desperate will to survive on some alien planet.
http://www.mmmrecordings.com/
I crossed a pumpkin patch, and harvested one.
Pumpkins can be seen everywhere during the Halloween season. This rotund squash has carved a niche in our society akin to the Christmas tree. What would Halloween be without the mighty jack o' lantern lighting the darkness of the night for little ghouls and specters who are seeking out sweet treats? The Pumpkin Patch is an online resource catering to pumpkins, pumpkins, and - you guessed it - more pumpkins. Learn about growing pumpkins, cooking pumpkins, picking pumpkins, and even pumpkin farms. With so much information available on this highly regarded fruit, you'll become an expert in no time. Easy to navigate with quickly loading pages, the Pumpkin Patch is a worthy online source of simple-to-retrieve information.http://www.pumpkin-patch.com/index.html
At home, I mutilated the pumpkin
In the grand tradition of Halloween, many pumpkin artists are busy creating hauntingly magical creatures from the fruit. Meant to adorn front lawns and porches through snow, wind, sleet, and hail, jack o' lanterns are forced into the fierce outdoor environment after having been gutted and carved. In the face of tradition, one organization seeks to stop the pumpkin-carving madness by exposing the viciousness of the act. The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Pumpkins (SPCP) takes a satirically amusing look at the heinous practice of pumpkin mutilation. Check out the viewer response section and recent updates for more information on the campaign to further understand that pumpkins have feelings, too. If you agree, and want to carve only virtually, visit the Pumpkin Simulator 2003 for some rather nifty virtual squash-letting.SPCP: http://www.arlecchino.org/pasquariello/spcp/index.html
Pumpkin Simulator 2003: http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php?id=129580
then displayed it next my papier-mache skull.
Los Dias de los Muertos, the Days of the Dead, is Mexican culture's appropriate contribution to the Halloween season. Mexico mocks death with food, flowers, and skeletal decoration. Juniper Learning, an educational materials company, presents a page that teaches the Mexican in all of us how to make and decorate a papier-mache skull. Plan ahead, because you'll need a few days for the paste and then the paint to dry, but a pile of these skulls makes a dandy porch decoration not only for Halloween and the Days of the Dead, but all year long.http://www.juniperlearning.com/skull.html
That done, I sat down at my computer
Who said pumpkins can't think? Bjorn3D.com, a Web site focusing on computer 3-D and the cards that enable it, runs a Hack-O-Lantern contest that's meant to motivate contestants to creatively carve and modify pumpkins rather than to build actual pumpkin computers. Some modders just won't take no for an answer, however. We found two pages that detail past entries of actual PCs in pumpkins. One, the Organax Pimpkin Mark 4, lasted only a few hours. The more successful PumpkinPC was a further step in the road to organic computing. At the PumpkinPC page, you can learn how to coat the inside of your pumpkin so that it's PC-friendly, doesn't dry out, and doesn't rot and stink up the room. See, it's a smart pumpkin. How can you beat a pumpkin-orange power supply and matching speakers? If all pumpkins were like these, they'd rule the world.Hack-O-Lantern: http://www.bjorn3d.com/_preview.php?articleID=353
Organax Pimpkin Mark 4: http://home.wi.rr.com/lamepictures/pumpkinspoof.htm
PumpkinPC: http://home.comcast.net/~vivisel/pumpkin/
It's hard to know what to make of a character who calls himself "Bloodninja" and terrorizes Net chatrooms. Is he a drunk or stoned idiot with too much time on his hands, or a shrewd commentator on the bizarre phenomenon of cybersex? It doesn't matter either way. Put simply, the fruits of his efforts, saved for all to see, are gut-rippingly hilarious. In cyberland anyone can be a hot hardbody or a buff love god, and generally that's what they claim to be. Not so Bloodninja - in one coffee-spittingly funny chat, he describes himself as a 280-lb bespectacled loser, and he suffers erectile cyberdysfunction just as things start to heat up with his partner, Sweetheart. In another, even funnier, chat, he paints a scenario that has him delivering a pizza to a woman who is in the shower as he arrives at her home. Unable to wait, he indulges in a sordid sex act with the food. Part of the fun is seeing how Bloodninja's partners react to his ludicrous schtick, and given the fact that he is generally more bizarre than rude or aggressive, we can laugh - hysterically - without guilt. Oddly, we can't locate the original transcripts, but we did find copies - one from a persona named ElJefe and another from Rennat.
ElJefe: http://wiki.homelinux.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BloodNinja
Rennat: http://www.zone.ee/rennat/bloodcyber.htm
A message from my cousin was waiting for me.
Let's play devil's advocate for a moment. It's OK to inbreed. Really. You'll have a lot in common with your lover. Your kids will still be kids and your genes will stay in the family. Forget soap opera and movie thrillers with shocking revelations of kin relationships. Hooey! Forget millennia of taboos. Have you ever wanted to really kiss your cousin? Cousin Couples is the place to go if so. The site invokes no less an influential figure than Charles Darwin, who married his cousin Emma Wedgwood yet enjoyed the respect of many for his study of natural selection. The site postulates that "a breach of a law prohibiting first cousin marriages is a victimless crime and that such a law is a violation of basic human rights." The Statement of Principles notes that the legality of cousin marriage varies from jurisdiction to jurisdiction. Check with your lawyer, and maybe your aunt and uncle, before you get into an amorous mess. In the meantime, Cousin Couples has factual resources such as a US map that shows states that allow cousin marriage, along with forums and advice columns by Mother Abigail and Aunt Kate. It's a family site, all right.http://www.cousincouples.com/
If the NutNet site index doesn't scare you, you need to check your pulse and make sure you haven't already assumed room temperature. This is a honkin' big page that the author freely admits needs to be chopped into more digestible units, but the links are worth the perusal time. NutNet provided links to the likes of Alex Chiu, who can make you immortal, and the Hollow Earth Insider, which can help you re-work your outmoded views of geology. The Raelians are here to help, just like the government - and probably just as helpful. This is a nightmare from which there is a return, if you remember to head into the light.
http://www.ssucc.ragnarokr.com/nutnet.html
I browsed an article on evil Canada
As a child in the Pacific Northwest, Diane Mapes suffered under the terrible threat of Canada. Her father would admonish her to be seen and not heard, like good little Canadians. Visits to the evil dominion didn't help matters. Mapes remembers her mother's panic at approaching the border with fruit, and once across, the Chamber of Horrors at the Royal London Wax Museum in Victoria, B.C. chilled her to the bone. Mapes recently revisited Canada, and Victoria, and the Chamber of Horrors, and she wrote an account of her travel for the Seattle Times. Although Mapes still has issues with crossing the border, and Canada still has issues with fruit, she seems to have accepted Canada as quiet and good-natured. The Canucks have her right where they want her....http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/northwestweekend/2001761464_nwwhorrors091.html
and another on some seasonal statistics.
Do not let it be said that the US government has no sense of humor. The US Census Bureau has gathered together from the far-flung corners of its personal universe some Halloween-related stats. It estimates that Halloween 2003 will see 41 million trick-or-treaters visiting 106 million homes. Of the 24 pounds of candy that each American accounts for over the course of a year, the Census Bureau believes "a large portion is consumed by kids on and during the days immediately following Halloween." Halloween has come a long way since 1921 in Anoka, Minn.http://www.census.gov/Press-Release/www/releases/archives/facts_for_features/001482.html
With no original costume idea in mind,
Have no costume ideas? Have no fear. The Costume Idea Zone is here to help you save face, or mask. Some of the ideas here are amazingly clever in their originality and simplicity. For example, put some white goop on your upper lip and wear a "Got Milk?" sign. Ta-daah! The site has sections of dress-up ideas for couples and groups as well as individuals. Many of the ideas come with basic directions on how to whip together the costume, but not all do. It's more an idea factory than an index of detailed directions, but many of these concepts are bound to get you laughs and admiration.http://www.costumeideazone.com/default.asp
Here's a delightful and informative Web site dedicated to everything you've ever wanted or needed to know about pumpkins. The Pumpkin Nook has abundant useful tips on how to grow pumpkins, as well as copious amounts of factual information to tantalize your curiosity. The Pumpkin Nook does not only host practical info; you'll also discover fun and creative activities designed for the young and the young at heart. Jokes, riddles, and online interactive games are just a small portion of the many entertaining activities available. You'll also find a number of recipes to try out if you're interested in exploring the many virtues of this seasonally popular squash. If, after your exploration, you can't wait to start experimenting with pumpkins, a visit to the Pumpkin Nook's online marketplace can provide you tools, accessories, and other pumpkin curios.
http://www.pumpkinnook.com/
to answer the door and confuse the trick-or-treaters.
Just handing out candy is for the meek. If you're not going to inherit the Earth, you might as well go out in a blaze of glory. This page, Ways to Confuse Trick-or-Treaters, provides 18 sure-fire ways to befuddle and possibly terrify the kids who ring your doorbell Oct. 31. Some of these suggestions use confusion to mask a social conscience. Doesn't it make sense to have the kids do push-ups and burn off calories before they pig out on your goodies? Better yet, just hand out small bags of sand instead of candy - or give them an angry lecture on tooth decay. We're sure that all your Halloween visitors - and their parents - will appreciate that you are just taking their well-being to heart.http://geocities.com/dreamyemmy16/funconfuse.html
The rest of the night, I played with my squirrels,
The Zymoglyphic Museum is the world's only repository for the study and display of zymoglyphic art, artifacts, and natural history. Huh? Zymoglyphic art is the collection and arrangement of objects, primarily either natural or weathered by natural forces, for poetic effect. The museum mixes run-of-the-mill found objects with small examples of taxidermy to create its exhibits. Most are surprisingly nice, and some are just strange. None are like anything you've seen before. Rearranging nature to make it attractive is clearly hard work. For the most part, the Zymoglyphic Museum succeeds in its goals. Those items that don't quite come up to snuff would be at home in any Halloween party.http://www.zymoglyphic.org/galleries.html
It's often noted that possession is nine-tenths of the law, but there are other, more sinister connotations for the word. Cornell University's Division of Rare and Manuscript Collections has a few illustrations to offer up on the Web site it calls the Fantastic in Art and Fiction. Possession and Insanity is, in fact, one of the nine sections it presents here. Possession was a really big deal in religious circles a few centuries ago. Today, most of us just think of it as spewing pea soup, but it was taken much more seriously not all that long ago. Do the Danse Macabre here.
http://fantastic.library.cornell.edu/
At last, a site that accurately determines how fast you can spank the monkey. Our reporter's hand speed was clocked at 222 mph. Our editor, with more practice, presumably, got up to 315 mph. How fast are you?
http://www.flamjam.com/spank/
In bed, I dreamed of eternal rest
Death isn't the end. There's still a funeral to preplan for. The old saw about the importance of first impressions is just an old saw. What really matters is your grand exit. Last impressions should be lasting impressions. Vintage Coffins is your place, even if cremation is your end. Vintage not only makes custom coffins to its own or your specs and design, but also offers superb urns. You can even get your coffin in kit form and store it until its time of need. No design is beyond Vintage's Bert and Bud, as long as no price is beyond you. Most of the work shown on Bert and Bud's Vintage Coffin site is elegant, some is... - well, unique, and nothing seems tacky. But they can do tacky if that's how you want to be remembered.http://www.vintagecoffins.com/
Have you ever entertained the notion of having your remains tossed into or scattered over the sea? Eternal Reefs provides clients with a unique twist to the aged tradition of burial at sea. Through creating permanent living legacies that memorialize loved ones, Eternal Reefs provides final resting places that are environmentally beneficial. Cremated ashes can be mixed with concrete to create a new marine habitat for fish and other sea life. A plaque can be placed onto such a memorial reef. After just three years, the memorial reef is thriving with aquatic life. At the online presence of Eternal Reefs, you can explore the various options. Pricing ranges from just under $1,000 to $5,000. Be sure to browse the gallery for a stunning look at the growth cycle of these man-made commemorative habitats.
http://www.eternalreefs.com/
in the company of mermaid princesses....
Neiman Marcus trades on its reputation as a high-end department store, and one item it is selling will only enhance that. The Neiman Marcus mermaid suit covers hips and legs, and is made of waterproof urethane. Buy one, and you get a custom fitting and lessons in how to swim in it. You also get a home repair kit, because otherwise you'd go into cardiac arrest when you ripped it, and then you wouldn't be able to pay Neiman Marcus the balance of the $10,000 pricetag....http://www.neimanmarcus.com/store/sitelets/christmasbook2003/F4O2054.htm
Hmmm... do they ever do the nasty with dolphins?
Sex with vampires, werewolves, or other creatures of the night is a Halloween ritual of Hollywood. Fed up with customary fall fare? If you prefer intelligence in your partner and feel up for adventure, you could always get it on with dolphins. This mating-with-dolphins FAQ will get you started. Learn to tell a male from a female dolphin by anatomy and behavior: "Dolphin males have a prehensile penis. They can wrap it around objects, and carry them as such." And females? "If you are in the water, they may press their genitals up against yours, nibble your fingers, nuzzle your crotch, or do pelvic thrusts against you." Funny. We never saw that in "Flipper" or "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective". You know someone is trying to pull the foam over your eyes when you come across a question such as, "What do I do if a dolphin wants to mate with me?" and the answer is, "Accept, if possible!" You'll find no first-hand account of a sexual encounter here, nor are there links to reports of any. We can't imagine what prompted the anonymous author to come up with this strange piece of work, but then, we've neither encountered a horny dolphin nor harbored intentions to woo one, so who are we to presume, eh, matey?http://www.dolphinsex.org/